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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity

SEATTLE—After downloading a $2.99 meditation app onto his Samsung Galaxy phone Thursday, local man Eric Reeves prepared himself to leave the earthly world behind and enter a lotus plane of pure, eternal serenity, sources reported. The 31-year-old, who is said to have scanned through several meditation and mindfulness apps in the Google Play store before deciding on one from the company SnorgleWorks, then reportedly clicked the Install button on his screen, leaving him just moments away from being carried like a cherry blossom on a soft breeze into a placid realm of unending tranquility. Having readied himself to expand his awareness to the bounds of infinity, Reeves is said to have then tapped the app’s icon, located between his apps for Lyft and the game Gummy Drop!, propelling his inner being into an enlightened, all-knowing state of profound oneness with all things. At press time, the veritable Bodhisattva, having ascended to the highest rungs of bliss unencumbered by human cares or wants, reportedly paused his meditation session to respond to a prompt asking him to allow push notifications.

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