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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity

SEATTLE—After downloading a $2.99 meditation app onto his Samsung Galaxy phone Thursday, local man Eric Reeves prepared himself to leave the earthly world behind and enter a lotus plane of pure, eternal serenity, sources reported. The 31-year-old, who is said to have scanned through several meditation and mindfulness apps in the Google Play store before deciding on one from the company SnorgleWorks, then reportedly clicked the Install button on his screen, leaving him just moments away from being carried like a cherry blossom on a soft breeze into a placid realm of unending tranquility. Having readied himself to expand his awareness to the bounds of infinity, Reeves is said to have then tapped the app’s icon, located between his apps for Lyft and the game Gummy Drop!, propelling his inner being into an enlightened, all-knowing state of profound oneness with all things. At press time, the veritable Bodhisattva, having ascended to the highest rungs of bliss unencumbered by human cares or wants, reportedly paused his meditation session to respond to a prompt asking him to allow push notifications.

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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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