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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday. "Kevin is such a natural, the way he laughs and encourages Clarkie to yank on the dog's tail or climb up the entertainment center like a ladder," Stenner's college friend Annalisa Pratt told reporters while attempting to calm her son Clark, 3. "As soon as my son sees him, it's 'Throw things game, Uncle Kev! Throw things game!' And it's so cute the way Kevin makes Clark do that punching thing he does." Experts theorize that Stenner, who has reportedly described his friends' kids as "entertaining," encourages the more savage impulses of children to bolster his own demanding and indulgent ego.

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