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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday. "Kevin is such a natural, the way he laughs and encourages Clarkie to yank on the dog's tail or climb up the entertainment center like a ladder," Stenner's college friend Annalisa Pratt told reporters while attempting to calm her son Clark, 3. "As soon as my son sees him, it's 'Throw things game, Uncle Kev! Throw things game!' And it's so cute the way Kevin makes Clark do that punching thing he does." Experts theorize that Stenner, who has reportedly described his friends' kids as "entertaining," encourages the more savage impulses of children to bolster his own demanding and indulgent ego.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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