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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday. "Kevin is such a natural, the way he laughs and encourages Clarkie to yank on the dog's tail or climb up the entertainment center like a ladder," Stenner's college friend Annalisa Pratt told reporters while attempting to calm her son Clark, 3. "As soon as my son sees him, it's 'Throw things game, Uncle Kev! Throw things game!' And it's so cute the way Kevin makes Clark do that punching thing he does." Experts theorize that Stenner, who has reportedly described his friends' kids as "entertaining," encourages the more savage impulses of children to bolster his own demanding and indulgent ego.

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