Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station

ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told reporters Monday that he has somehow discovered a radio station with a format that matches his tastes exactly. "I'm telling you, [93.2 FM] the Beast has it all," said Ridgeway, who was also amazed that much of the station's advertising seemed custom-tailored to him due to its abundant information on local establishments serving both beer and chicken wings. "The Stones, the Who, Pearl Jam, Green Day, you name it. And get this, every day at five o'clock the Z-Man plays three songs in a row by Led Zeppelin. It's called 'Get the Led Out.' I love Led Zeppelin." Though Ridgeway said that he is satisfied with the Beast's programming, he is reportedly investigating enticing claims of more rock and less talk made by a competing radio station.

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