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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station

ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told reporters Monday that he has somehow discovered a radio station with a format that matches his tastes exactly. "I'm telling you, [93.2 FM] the Beast has it all," said Ridgeway, who was also amazed that much of the station's advertising seemed custom-tailored to him due to its abundant information on local establishments serving both beer and chicken wings. "The Stones, the Who, Pearl Jam, Green Day, you name it. And get this, every day at five o'clock the Z-Man plays three songs in a row by Led Zeppelin. It's called 'Get the Led Out.' I love Led Zeppelin." Though Ridgeway said that he is satisfied with the Beast's programming, he is reportedly investigating enticing claims of more rock and less talk made by a competing radio station.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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