Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station

ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told reporters Monday that he has somehow discovered a radio station with a format that matches his tastes exactly. "I'm telling you, [93.2 FM] the Beast has it all," said Ridgeway, who was also amazed that much of the station's advertising seemed custom-tailored to him due to its abundant information on local establishments serving both beer and chicken wings. "The Stones, the Who, Pearl Jam, Green Day, you name it. And get this, every day at five o'clock the Z-Man plays three songs in a row by Led Zeppelin. It's called 'Get the Led Out.' I love Led Zeppelin." Though Ridgeway said that he is satisfied with the Beast's programming, he is reportedly investigating enticing claims of more rock and less talk made by a competing radio station.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.