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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The Fucking Nerve To Appear On National Television

NEW YORK—Infuriating tens of thousands nationwide, 26-year-old microblogger Travis Yates reportedly had the goddamn nerve to appear on Good Morning America Friday just days after signing a $400,000 deal to adapt his popular Tumblr account into a full-length book. "That rich little punk has the fucking stones to show up on my TV and talk about how many hits his stupid blog gets? What a dick," said Colorado resident Jason Stehmeier, 34, who added that it was common decency not to show oneself in public after lucking into something like that. "That guy needs to shut up, write the damn thing, and go away already." Most of the angered viewers admitted they might consider purchasing a copy of the book so long as Yates' smug little prick face was not featured prominently on the back cover.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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