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Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family

Benton, who, despite having years of gainful employment, is still viewed as a well-meaning ne’er do well by friends and family.
Benton, who, despite having years of gainful employment, is still viewed as a well-meaning ne’er do well by friends and family.

LINCOLN, NE—Though it has been at least five years since he outgrew the reckless behavior of his youth and finally got his life together, local man Josh Benton, 36, is still widely regarded by friends and family as an irresponsible yet endearing screwup, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Benton, who has held a steady job as a marketing manager since 2008 and recently made a down payment on his first home, reportedly retains a persistent reputation as a kindhearted but hopeless individual, despite having long ago settled down and abandoned the bad habits he once struggled with.

“We love Josh, he’s always fun to have around, but the guy still lives his life like an 18-year-old, you know?” Benton’s cousin Ari Freier, 33, said of the man who drives a 2010 Toyota Prius to work each morning, arriving at the office by 8 a.m. “Most people with a wild streak like that get it out of their system when they’re young, but Josh never quite made that transition.”

“Who knows, though, maybe someday he’ll meet the right person and make something of himself,” added Freier, whose cousin has been involved in a healthy, long-term relationship for the past three years. “Stranger things have happened.”

According to sources, while friends still describe him as “a really great guy” who “just needs to learn how to apply himself,” Benton is now entirely out of credit card debt, has found success in a career he finds personally fulfilling, and in fact makes more money than most of his peers.

Benton’s parents, meanwhile, cited various personal issues that either did not exist or were drastically out of date as they confirmed that they loved their son in spite of his many flaws, and expressed confidence he could turn his life around.

“Josh still needs to get his priorities straight, but he knows we’re always there to support him whenever he runs out of cash or needs to move back in,” Benton’s mother, Laura, told reporters. “He’ll find his way eventually. Until then, I suppose we just have to accept that he’s still figuring a lot of things out with his life.”

“It’s hard, but there comes a point when you just have to throw up your hands and let your kids do what they’re going to do,” she added.

For the sixth time in as many years, numerous friends confirmed that they remain optimistic this will be the year Benton finally gets his life on track.

Others, however, said that while they enjoy spending time with him and believe he “has his heart in the right place,” they were deeply concerned about the stable, responsible, and generally upstanding 36-year-old’s future.

“Sometimes I worry about him. We all do. It’s fine for Josh to drink every now and then, but when he’s blacking out and waking up sprawled on the bathroom floor with a broken hand, it’s clearly time for him to seriously reevaluate his life,” said Benton’s friend Zach Schneider, referring to an incident that occurred once in 2004 and was never repeated. “Hard not to love the guy, though. I just hope he’s able to break out of this tailspin soon.” Reached for comment, Benton, who confirmed he had just purchased an engagement ring and was planning to propose to his girlfriend later this week, expressed gratitude for the concern of his family and friends.

“I’m lucky to have so many people in my life who care about me,” Benton said. “I just hope one day I can stop being such a fuckup and get my shit together like them.”

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