Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens

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  • Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

    ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens

KANSAS CITY, MO—Local man Dustin Barnes, 33, who reportedly just purchased a colorful feathered Mayan headdress and four crates packed with corn announced Friday that he was fairly certain you’ll end up looking like an idiot when the apocalypse finally happens. “We’ll see who looks like an unprepared chump on doomsday,” said Barnes, scoffing at the “real saps” while painting the traditional designs of a Mayan warrior on his face and chest. “I’m going to be the one laughing when the Tonsured Maize God spares me because I actually thought ahead and prepared a sacrificial offering of corn. Enjoy dying suckers.” At press time, Barnes was reportedly wearing the elaborate Mayan headdress around his house and feeling sorry for his loved ones.