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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens

KANSAS CITY, MO—Local man Dustin Barnes, 33, who reportedly just purchased a colorful feathered Mayan headdress and four crates packed with corn announced Friday that he was fairly certain you’ll end up looking like an idiot when the apocalypse finally happens. “We’ll see who looks like an unprepared chump on doomsday,” said Barnes, scoffing at the “real saps” while painting the traditional designs of a Mayan warrior on his face and chest. “I’m going to be the one laughing when the Tonsured Maize God spares me because I actually thought ahead and prepared a sacrificial offering of corn. Enjoy dying suckers.” At press time, Barnes was reportedly wearing the elaborate Mayan headdress around his house and feeling sorry for his loved ones.

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