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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Man Who Just Bought Mayan Headdress, 4 Crates Of Corn Pretty Sure You'll Be Looking Like The Fool When Apocalypse Happens

KANSAS CITY, MO—Local man Dustin Barnes, 33, who reportedly just purchased a colorful feathered Mayan headdress and four crates packed with corn announced Friday that he was fairly certain you’ll end up looking like an idiot when the apocalypse finally happens. “We’ll see who looks like an unprepared chump on doomsday,” said Barnes, scoffing at the “real saps” while painting the traditional designs of a Mayan warrior on his face and chest. “I’m going to be the one laughing when the Tonsured Maize God spares me because I actually thought ahead and prepared a sacrificial offering of corn. Enjoy dying suckers.” At press time, Barnes was reportedly wearing the elaborate Mayan headdress around his house and feeling sorry for his loved ones.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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