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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Man Who Just Purchased 3,000 Rounds Of Ammunition Online Perfectly Sane, Thinks Man Processing Order

WEST BERLIN, NJ—While processing an online order Tuesday afternoon, Ammoman.com sales clerk Eric McCann confirmed to himself that the customer who just purchased 3,000 rounds of ammunition was no doubt a very sensible, stable human being with no prior history of mental illness. "Yes, the person I am now shipping three heavy boxes of 9 mm bullets to is surely an entirely normal person, with normal thoughts, who is in no way a danger to himself or others," McCann reportedly thought as he processed the $850 order, which will be shipped to a private residence in New Mexico within six to 10 business days. "Clearly, if he was able to find a bulk supplier online, complete our order form, and make the purchase with a major credit card, then he must be a person in full command of his mental faculties and at no point should I think twice about sending this package. I hope he enjoys the product." At press time, McCann was envisioning the psychologically well-adjusted customer receiving the ammunition and, naturally, using it for completely safe, constructive, and not at all illegal purposes.

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