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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Man Who Just Purchased 3,000 Rounds Of Ammunition Online Perfectly Sane, Thinks Man Processing Order

WEST BERLIN, NJ—While processing an online order Tuesday afternoon, Ammoman.com sales clerk Eric McCann confirmed to himself that the customer who just purchased 3,000 rounds of ammunition was no doubt a very sensible, stable human being with no prior history of mental illness. "Yes, the person I am now shipping three heavy boxes of 9 mm bullets to is surely an entirely normal person, with normal thoughts, who is in no way a danger to himself or others," McCann reportedly thought as he processed the $850 order, which will be shipped to a private residence in New Mexico within six to 10 business days. "Clearly, if he was able to find a bulk supplier online, complete our order form, and make the purchase with a major credit card, then he must be a person in full command of his mental faculties and at no point should I think twice about sending this package. I hope he enjoys the product." At press time, McCann was envisioning the psychologically well-adjusted customer receiving the ammunition and, naturally, using it for completely safe, constructive, and not at all illegal purposes.

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