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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Man Who Just Purchased 3,000 Rounds Of Ammunition Online Perfectly Sane, Thinks Man Processing Order

WEST BERLIN, NJ—While processing an online order Tuesday afternoon, Ammoman.com sales clerk Eric McCann confirmed to himself that the customer who just purchased 3,000 rounds of ammunition was no doubt a very sensible, stable human being with no prior history of mental illness. "Yes, the person I am now shipping three heavy boxes of 9 mm bullets to is surely an entirely normal person, with normal thoughts, who is in no way a danger to himself or others," McCann reportedly thought as he processed the $850 order, which will be shipped to a private residence in New Mexico within six to 10 business days. "Clearly, if he was able to find a bulk supplier online, complete our order form, and make the purchase with a major credit card, then he must be a person in full command of his mental faculties and at no point should I think twice about sending this package. I hope he enjoys the product." At press time, McCann was envisioning the psychologically well-adjusted customer receiving the ammunition and, naturally, using it for completely safe, constructive, and not at all illegal purposes.

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