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Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning

CHICAGO—Upon spotting the blue carabiner connecting his keys to his pants’ belt loop, coworkers of local software engineer Peter Slotnick speculated Tuesday that the 34-year-old man must rappel into their office building every morning. “After seeing the way Pete carries around his house keys and electronic office-door fob, it’s obvious to me that he begins each day by gliding effortlessly down a rope along the exterior of the building, skillfully bouncing off the façade every 10 feet or so,” said colleague Eileen Pickering, adding that after he descends to the 14th floor, Slotnick likely pushes off one final time before bursting through the window into the conference room, rolling across the floor, brushing bits of glass from his clothing, and seating himself for the company’s morning meeting. “I bet while we’re all taking the stairs or walking to lunch, he’s swinging over alleyways or maybe zip-lining his way around the city on a network of secured steel cables. He probably just clips that thing on and away he goes.” Coworkers added that the small Swiss Army knife Slotnick keeps on his keyring must come in handy on days he needs to skin and field-dress large game on his commute home.

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