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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning

CHICAGO—Upon spotting the blue carabiner connecting his keys to his pants’ belt loop, coworkers of local software engineer Peter Slotnick speculated Tuesday that the 34-year-old man must rappel into their office building every morning. “After seeing the way Pete carries around his house keys and electronic office-door fob, it’s obvious to me that he begins each day by gliding effortlessly down a rope along the exterior of the building, skillfully bouncing off the façade every 10 feet or so,” said colleague Eileen Pickering, adding that after he descends to the 14th floor, Slotnick likely pushes off one final time before bursting through the window into the conference room, rolling across the floor, brushing bits of glass from his clothing, and seating himself for the company’s morning meeting. “I bet while we’re all taking the stairs or walking to lunch, he’s swinging over alleyways or maybe zip-lining his way around the city on a network of secured steel cables. He probably just clips that thing on and away he goes.” Coworkers added that the small Swiss Army knife Slotnick keeps on his keyring must come in handy on days he needs to skin and field-dress large game on his commute home.

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