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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Who Likes To Be Jostled Moving To City

ENID, OK—Local resident Spencer Cravel announced his plans to move to New York City Wednesday so that he might pursue his passion for being jostled and bumped around. "For a guy like me who enjoys getting jostled, bopped, and knocked from side to side by hundreds of strangers all pressing forward in a pointless hurry, New York City's the place to be," said Cravel, who first discovered his love of getting shoved from every direction as if in a herd of cattle while exiting a professional basketball game. "I've been to Chicago and there's some good jostling there, especially around the El train entrances early in the morning, and I hear Tokyo has some top-notch jostling, but here, in America, if you want to be jostled, and I mean truly good and jostled, you got to go to New York City." Cravel admitted he was relieved he'd no longer have to seek out jostling spots in his hometown, saying he'd grown tired of the "rinky-dink" jostling he experiences when trying to reenter his local movie theater after a film has just ended.

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