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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Man Who Plays Game For Millions Of Dollars Called Gutsy

BOSTON—Several sources confirmed Friday that a man who is paid millions of dollars to play a game was reportedly called gutsy and lauded for a “valiant effort” to hit a small white ball with a wooden stick. “With such a plucky performance, he’s showing some real courage at the plate,” said the game’s commentator, noting the spirited determination and daring of the man who sits for hours at a time during the competition. “It’s nice in this day and age to see a player who is so lionhearted. He’s just completely fearless when he’s behind in the count.” At press time, the person who makes a living by talking about the game was describing a ball being caught in a leather mitten as absolutely beautiful.

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