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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Who Plays Game For Millions Of Dollars Called Gutsy

BOSTON—Several sources confirmed Friday that a man who is paid millions of dollars to play a game was reportedly called gutsy and lauded for a “valiant effort” to hit a small white ball with a wooden stick. “With such a plucky performance, he’s showing some real courage at the plate,” said the game’s commentator, noting the spirited determination and daring of the man who sits for hours at a time during the competition. “It’s nice in this day and age to see a player who is so lionhearted. He’s just completely fearless when he’s behind in the count.” At press time, the person who makes a living by talking about the game was describing a ball being caught in a leather mitten as absolutely beautiful.

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