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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Who Pulls Up With Music Pumping Probably Coming From Someplace Cooler

SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources stopped at the corner of Fourth and St. James Streets, the man driving the custom-painted 2002 Honda Civic with speakers blasting Sean Paul must be coming from someplace much, much cooler. "My God, the racing decals, that chest-thumping bass, those sunglasses inverted so as to rest upon the back of his head. What kind of totally badass place did this guy just leave, and how do I get there myself?" said Dan Singleman, awestruck even to be in the presence of a man reclined so far back in the driver's seat. "Just look at him. The fact that his rear window is tinted makes me wonder if there are additional cool people sitting in the back who do not wish to be seen by those who are less cool." Judging by the burnout the man just performed, Singleman said he could only assume the driver must also be on his way to someplace very cool.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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