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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Who Pulls Up With Music Pumping Probably Coming From Someplace Cooler

SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources stopped at the corner of Fourth and St. James Streets, the man driving the custom-painted 2002 Honda Civic with speakers blasting Sean Paul must be coming from someplace much, much cooler. "My God, the racing decals, that chest-thumping bass, those sunglasses inverted so as to rest upon the back of his head. What kind of totally badass place did this guy just leave, and how do I get there myself?" said Dan Singleman, awestruck even to be in the presence of a man reclined so far back in the driver's seat. "Just look at him. The fact that his rear window is tinted makes me wonder if there are additional cool people sitting in the back who do not wish to be seen by those who are less cool." Judging by the burnout the man just performed, Singleman said he could only assume the driver must also be on his way to someplace very cool.

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