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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge

MOAB, UT—Authorities announced Tuesday that the body of 27-year-old screen printer Tom Finnery, a person friends confirmed always said yes to life and no to the idea of limits, had been found lying 20 feet from his mountain bike at the bottom of a gorge, his spinal column completely shattered and his broken femurs pinned behind his own back. According to police reports, Finnery, who always seized the day and drank deeply from the cup of life, was discovered with both kneecaps completely detached and nearly all his teeth smashed out of his fractured jawbone. Police said the man who lived life with no regrets failed to take his cell phone with him, a fact that Finnery—who reportedly always lived life in the present—had at least nine hours to reflect upon after his fall, following which he succumbed to hypothermia and was partially eaten by coyotes.

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