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Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge

MOAB, UT—Authorities announced Tuesday that the body of 27-year-old screen printer Tom Finnery, a person friends confirmed always said yes to life and no to the idea of limits, had been found lying 20 feet from his mountain bike at the bottom of a gorge, his spinal column completely shattered and his broken femurs pinned behind his own back. According to police reports, Finnery, who always seized the day and drank deeply from the cup of life, was discovered with both kneecaps completely detached and nearly all his teeth smashed out of his fractured jawbone. Police said the man who lived life with no regrets failed to take his cell phone with him, a fact that Finnery—who reportedly always lived life in the present—had at least nine hours to reflect upon after his fall, following which he succumbed to hypothermia and was partially eaten by coyotes.

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