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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Who Said 'Yes' To Life Found With Mountain Bike At Bottom Of Gorge

MOAB, UT—Authorities announced Tuesday that the body of 27-year-old screen printer Tom Finnery, a person friends confirmed always said yes to life and no to the idea of limits, had been found lying 20 feet from his mountain bike at the bottom of a gorge, his spinal column completely shattered and his broken femurs pinned behind his own back. According to police reports, Finnery, who always seized the day and drank deeply from the cup of life, was discovered with both kneecaps completely detached and nearly all his teeth smashed out of his fractured jawbone. Police said the man who lived life with no regrets failed to take his cell phone with him, a fact that Finnery—who reportedly always lived life in the present—had at least nine hours to reflect upon after his fall, following which he succumbed to hypothermia and was partially eaten by coyotes.

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