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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Man Who Saw ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ 6 Times Over Holidays Thought It Was Pretty Good

CHICAGO—Stressing that the movie “definitely had some cool moments,” local man Jeff Feitel, who saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens six times over the holidays, told reporters Monday that he thought it was pretty good. “I had a few issues with some stuff, but overall I thought it was a fun movie,” said Feitel, who over the past two weeks has cumulatively spent 14 hours and $87 attending screenings of the film, including multiple 3D viewings, a midnight showing, and an IMAX screening at 8:50 a.m. “I honestly thought the lightsaber battles were just so-so, but the reliance on practical effects was kind of awesome. And it lays out a pretty compelling mythology for the next couple movies, too.”At press time, Feitel was reportedly purchasing a ticket to see The Force Awakens again that evening.


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