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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Man Who Should Be President Has Asymmetrical Eyebrows

DAYTON, OH—With a wide-ranging knowledge of both domestic and foreign issues, unflappable composure, and an uncanny ability to reach across the aisle in these divided times, 42-year-old David Johnson would be this generation's greatest president if he didn't have disturbingly askew eyebrows. "On paper, he's got it all," ABC News correspondent George Stephanopoulos said of Johnson, who is an undeniably powerful and engaging speaker. "But those eyebrows—Christ, one is way too bushy, and the other is just all over the place." According to Stephanopoulos, Americans will instead elect the president they deserve—a superficial, eager-to-please, spineless person with immaculately groomed hair above his eyes.

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