WASHINGTON—Saying their benefactor sways their positions on everything from healthcare to the environment to economic policy, a new report released Thursday by the Center for Transparent Government found that the Koch brothers are increasingly falling under the influence of a mysterious, high-powered trillionare.
DAYTON, OH—With a wide-ranging knowledge of both domestic and foreign issues, unflappable composure, and an uncanny ability to reach across the aisle in these divided times, 42-year-old David Johnson would be this generation's greatest president if he didn't have disturbingly askew eyebrows. "On paper, he's got it all," ABC News correspondent George Stephanopoulos said of Johnson, who is an undeniably powerful and engaging speaker. "But those eyebrows—Christ, one is way too bushy, and the other is just all over the place." According to Stephanopoulos, Americans will instead elect the president they deserve—a superficial, eager-to-please, spineless person with immaculately groomed hair above his eyes.