Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.
End Of Section
  • More News


Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been

LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday. “My god, what have I done?” said a despairing Paitz, realizing that, alas, he must live with the sorrowful consequences of his own hubris and proceed down the carpeted corridor on his own two feet, watching in shame as other travelers with the humility to board the conveyor platform flowed past him with ease. “My pride—my accursed pride—has brought me to this! Like Icarus and Arachne before me, let my tale serve as a warning to all those who would surrender to the vile temptations of the ego.” At press time, redemption lay at hand, as the moving walkway was ending with a small gap before the next one began.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.