‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Who Stood And Watched Robbery Acted On Pure Instinct

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur. “The adrenaline just took over the second I saw his gun, and suddenly I found myself standing there not moving a muscle,” said Ashbury, explaining that seemingly no time elapsed between him noticing someone was in danger and doing absolutely nothing while the assailant made off with the elderly victim’s handbag and necklace. “Honestly, I really can’t even take credit for what I did—I just saw an old woman in trouble and then kind of automatically slipped into a completely useless paralysis. I guess you never know what you’re capable of until that moment arrives.” Ashbury went on to say he was glad he reacted so quickly because if he had time to think, he just might have helped out.

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