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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid'

ATLANTA—After deciding to disable his Facebook account in an effort to increase productivity, Chad Allen announced in a Facebook update Thursday that he was now "off the grid." "I'm dropping off the radar for a while," wrote Allen, 36, who lives in a two-story house with running water, electricity, regular garbage pickup, wireless Internet access, and high-definition satellite television service. "If you need something, text me." Allen has not been heard from since earlier this afternoon, when he confirmed via Twitter that he was "maintaining radio silence" and then checked in to his local coffee shop on Foursquare.

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