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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Who Temporarily Disables Facebook Account Deems Self 'Off The Grid'

ATLANTA—After deciding to disable his Facebook account in an effort to increase productivity, Chad Allen announced in a Facebook update Thursday that he was now "off the grid." "I'm dropping off the radar for a while," wrote Allen, 36, who lives in a two-story house with running water, electricity, regular garbage pickup, wireless Internet access, and high-definition satellite television service. "If you need something, text me." Allen has not been heard from since earlier this afternoon, when he confirmed via Twitter that he was "maintaining radio silence" and then checked in to his local coffee shop on Foursquare.

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