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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Man Who Watched Most Of World Cup Match Knows Exactly How To Fix U.S. Team

ROANOKE, VA—Explaining precisely what the national team must do in order to compete with the sport’s global superpowers, local 39-year-old David Bower, who watched most of a single World Cup match over the last month, revealed Wednesday that he knows exactly how to fix the U.S. soccer team going forward. “The problem is the midfield—that’s always a weak spot for us,” said Bower, who reportedly only paid attention for roughly 70 minutes of the U.S. team’s round of 16 defeat to Belgium, during which he frequently browsed Facebook on his iPhone and missed the first 10 minutes of extra time while making himself a sandwich. “That guy Bradley isn’t good enough, and we just don’t have any good strikers outside of Jozy Altidore. What we really need is to play more like Germany—see, they know how to move the ball, and if we can do that, then we’ll be able to beat the best teams.” Bower then went on to confidently assert that the U.S. could have future success at the World Cup if it simply brings through a player on par with Lionel Messi and Neymar.

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