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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Man Who Watched Most Of World Cup Match Knows Exactly How To Fix U.S. Team

ROANOKE, VA—Explaining precisely what the national team must do in order to compete with the sport’s global superpowers, local 39-year-old David Bower, who watched most of a single World Cup match over the last month, revealed Wednesday that he knows exactly how to fix the U.S. soccer team going forward. “The problem is the midfield—that’s always a weak spot for us,” said Bower, who reportedly only paid attention for roughly 70 minutes of the U.S. team’s round of 16 defeat to Belgium, during which he frequently browsed Facebook on his iPhone and missed the first 10 minutes of extra time while making himself a sandwich. “That guy Bradley isn’t good enough, and we just don’t have any good strikers outside of Jozy Altidore. What we really need is to play more like Germany—see, they know how to move the ball, and if we can do that, then we’ll be able to beat the best teams.” Bower then went on to confidently assert that the U.S. could have future success at the World Cup if it simply brings through a player on par with Lionel Messi and Neymar.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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