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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Man Who Watched Most Of World Cup Match Knows Exactly How To Fix U.S. Team

ROANOKE, VA—Explaining precisely what the national team must do in order to compete with the sport’s global superpowers, local 39-year-old David Bower, who watched most of a single World Cup match over the last month, revealed Wednesday that he knows exactly how to fix the U.S. soccer team going forward. “The problem is the midfield—that’s always a weak spot for us,” said Bower, who reportedly only paid attention for roughly 70 minutes of the U.S. team’s round of 16 defeat to Belgium, during which he frequently browsed Facebook on his iPhone and missed the first 10 minutes of extra time while making himself a sandwich. “That guy Bradley isn’t good enough, and we just don’t have any good strikers outside of Jozy Altidore. What we really need is to play more like Germany—see, they know how to move the ball, and if we can do that, then we’ll be able to beat the best teams.” Bower then went on to confidently assert that the U.S. could have future success at the World Cup if it simply brings through a player on par with Lionel Messi and Neymar.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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