Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse

FAIRFIELD, CT—Heeding warnings that a world-ending cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, local man Craig Massey, 26, who will be one of several thousand fatalities in 2023’s Great Eastern Seaboard Flood, told reporters today he is fully prepared for the apocalypse he believes the ancient Mayans predicted.

“This is the big one, and I’m not taking any chances,” said Massey, who 11 years from now will drown in Hurricane Cindy’s thrashing storm surge as his house is demolished and all his possessions are washed away. “The conclusion of the 13th b’ak’tun is upon us. I plan on being prepared.”

Displaying more concern for the dire predictions of numerologists than the warnings of modern scientists regarding the changes in climate that will eventually lead to his unceremonious death, Massey confirmed he has spent much of the year fortifying his basement to create a bunker capable of withstanding “doomsday-level forces.”

“I don’t know how long I might have to stay down there, so I’m getting plenty of the essentials: water, gas masks, nonperishables, and, due to the very real possibility of a new ice age arriving, warm clothes and blankets,” said Massey, who in 2023 will have no time to evacuate before the massive storm forces down his door and fills his lungs with water. “My thinking is, you need to be ready for anything when there’s an apocalypse coming.”

“I also got this,” he continued, slamming a loaded M9 Beretta pistol down on the table in front of him. “Whatever’s coming at me, it’s not getting away without a fight.”

Massey added that the evidence presented by astronomers indicating that no comet or meteor is currently on a collision course with Earth is “a hoax almost as absurd as global warming.”