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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse

FAIRFIELD, CT—Heeding warnings that a world-ending cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, local man Craig Massey, 26, who will be one of several thousand fatalities in 2023’s Great Eastern Seaboard Flood, told reporters today he is fully prepared for the apocalypse he believes the ancient Mayans predicted.

“This is the big one, and I’m not taking any chances,” said Massey, who 11 years from now will drown in Hurricane Cindy’s thrashing storm surge as his house is demolished and all his possessions are washed away. “The conclusion of the 13th b’ak’tun is upon us. I plan on being prepared.”

Displaying more concern for the dire predictions of numerologists than the warnings of modern scientists regarding the changes in climate that will eventually lead to his unceremonious death, Massey confirmed he has spent much of the year fortifying his basement to create a bunker capable of withstanding “doomsday-level forces.”

“I don’t know how long I might have to stay down there, so I’m getting plenty of the essentials: water, gas masks, nonperishables, and, due to the very real possibility of a new ice age arriving, warm clothes and blankets,” said Massey, who in 2023 will have no time to evacuate before the massive storm forces down his door and fills his lungs with water. “My thinking is, you need to be ready for anything when there’s an apocalypse coming.”

“I also got this,” he continued, slamming a loaded M9 Beretta pistol down on the table in front of him. “Whatever’s coming at me, it’s not getting away without a fight.”

Massey added that the evidence presented by astronomers indicating that no comet or meteor is currently on a collision course with Earth is “a hoax almost as absurd as global warming.”

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