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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse

FAIRFIELD, CT—Heeding warnings that a world-ending cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, local man Craig Massey, 26, who will be one of several thousand fatalities in 2023’s Great Eastern Seaboard Flood, told reporters today he is fully prepared for the apocalypse he believes the ancient Mayans predicted.

“This is the big one, and I’m not taking any chances,” said Massey, who 11 years from now will drown in Hurricane Cindy’s thrashing storm surge as his house is demolished and all his possessions are washed away. “The conclusion of the 13th b’ak’tun is upon us. I plan on being prepared.”

Displaying more concern for the dire predictions of numerologists than the warnings of modern scientists regarding the changes in climate that will eventually lead to his unceremonious death, Massey confirmed he has spent much of the year fortifying his basement to create a bunker capable of withstanding “doomsday-level forces.”

“I don’t know how long I might have to stay down there, so I’m getting plenty of the essentials: water, gas masks, nonperishables, and, due to the very real possibility of a new ice age arriving, warm clothes and blankets,” said Massey, who in 2023 will have no time to evacuate before the massive storm forces down his door and fills his lungs with water. “My thinking is, you need to be ready for anything when there’s an apocalypse coming.”

“I also got this,” he continued, slamming a loaded M9 Beretta pistol down on the table in front of him. “Whatever’s coming at me, it’s not getting away without a fight.”

Massey added that the evidence presented by astronomers indicating that no comet or meteor is currently on a collision course with Earth is “a hoax almost as absurd as global warming.”

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