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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Who Will Die In Great Eastern Seaboard Flood Of 2023 Preparing For Mayan Apocalypse

FAIRFIELD, CT—Heeding warnings that a world-ending cataclysmic event will occur next Friday, local man Craig Massey, 26, who will be one of several thousand fatalities in 2023’s Great Eastern Seaboard Flood, told reporters today he is fully prepared for the apocalypse he believes the ancient Mayans predicted.

“This is the big one, and I’m not taking any chances,” said Massey, who 11 years from now will drown in Hurricane Cindy’s thrashing storm surge as his house is demolished and all his possessions are washed away. “The conclusion of the 13th b’ak’tun is upon us. I plan on being prepared.”

Displaying more concern for the dire predictions of numerologists than the warnings of modern scientists regarding the changes in climate that will eventually lead to his unceremonious death, Massey confirmed he has spent much of the year fortifying his basement to create a bunker capable of withstanding “doomsday-level forces.”

“I don’t know how long I might have to stay down there, so I’m getting plenty of the essentials: water, gas masks, nonperishables, and, due to the very real possibility of a new ice age arriving, warm clothes and blankets,” said Massey, who in 2023 will have no time to evacuate before the massive storm forces down his door and fills his lungs with water. “My thinking is, you need to be ready for anything when there’s an apocalypse coming.”

“I also got this,” he continued, slamming a loaded M9 Beretta pistol down on the table in front of him. “Whatever’s coming at me, it’s not getting away without a fight.”

Massey added that the evidence presented by astronomers indicating that no comet or meteor is currently on a collision course with Earth is “a hoax almost as absurd as global warming.”

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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