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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Man Who Willingly Rented 'Wrath Of The Titans' Feels His Intelligence Has Been Insulted

PORTLAND, OR—After willfully ignoring thousands of other options, reading a synopsis of the film’s plot, and making a conscious decision to pay $3.99 to rent it on iTunes, 32-year-old Ben Rickman announced Friday that the makers of Wrath Of The Titans had inflicted a grave insult upon his intelligence. “Do they think I’m some kind of idiot?” said Rickman, who confirmed that he had seen the movie’s trailer and read numerous dismissive reviews of it. “I guess the studio figured there’d be plenty of morons out there who’d cough up the dough to see this garbage. Unbelievable.” Rickman added that he has plans to swing by Taco Bell later to eat a 7-Layer Burrito, an item he will reportedly dismiss as “greasy” and “something that barely qualifies as food” before ordering a second one.

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