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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Man Who Willingly Rented 'Wrath Of The Titans' Feels His Intelligence Has Been Insulted

PORTLAND, OR—After willfully ignoring thousands of other options, reading a synopsis of the film’s plot, and making a conscious decision to pay $3.99 to rent it on iTunes, 32-year-old Ben Rickman announced Friday that the makers of Wrath Of The Titans had inflicted a grave insult upon his intelligence. “Do they think I’m some kind of idiot?” said Rickman, who confirmed that he had seen the movie’s trailer and read numerous dismissive reviews of it. “I guess the studio figured there’d be plenty of morons out there who’d cough up the dough to see this garbage. Unbelievable.” Rickman added that he has plans to swing by Taco Bell later to eat a 7-Layer Burrito, an item he will reportedly dismiss as “greasy” and “something that barely qualifies as food” before ordering a second one.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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