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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Man Who's 1/16th Irish Proud Of His Irish Heritage

KENOSHA, WI—Despite being just 1/16th Irish, Dennis Kroeger, a 27-year-old marketing manager whose great-great grandmother hailed from County Cork, is fiercely proud of his Irish ancestry.

Kroeger proudly wears the green.

"Dennis sure loves playing up his Irishness," said Lisa Biederman, a friend and coworker of Kroeger's. "When he gets mad, it's his Irish temper. When he drinks, he's got a powerful Irish thirst. When he's being sappy, it's his Irish poet's soul. I'm like, 'Dennis, you're not even Catholic.'"

"Mary Gaughan, my mother's father's mother's mother, was from a tiny village called Ballydesmond," said the brown-eyed, brown-haired Kroeger, who is half German, one-quarter Swedish, one-eighth Dutch, one-sixteenth Belgian, and one-sixteenth Irish. "She married a sailor who was traveling from Rotterdam to America, and they settled in Milwaukee. Ever since, my family's been proud to be Irish."

Kroeger, who cites Man Of Aran as his favorite movie and Seumas MacManus' The Story Of The Irish Race as his favorite book, takes his Irish heritage seriously. He says he is saddened by the number of Irish-Americans who celebrate their culture only once a year, dismissing such less-than-reverent individuals as "green-beer Irish."

"Every St. Patrick's Day, it's the same thing," said Kroeger over a "correct" room-temperature Guinness at Noonan's, a Kenosha bar he praised as authentically Irish. "Everyone puts on green hats and spray-painted carnations and wears 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish' pins and gets drunk and makes fools of themselves. That's not what being Irish is about. That's an exaggerated, stereotyped version of our culture."

"How many of these people know the first thing about their history?" Kroeger asked. "How many of them know anything about the potato famine, much less the Downing Street Declaration?"

Jessica Kroeger, 23, is mystified by her older brother's identification with the Irish people.

"I have no idea where he got this whole Irish fixation from," Jessica said. "I mean, Dad's mostly German and Mom's some kind of European mongrel. He never gave a shit about it in high school, but at some point in college it just suddenly kicked in."

Padraig O'Riordan, a senior fellow at the Hibernian-American League in Boston, was bemused by Kroeger's eagerness to associate himself with the Emerald Isle.

"I suppose if being 1/16th Irish is the most interesting thing about the man, he has the right to flaunt it," O'Riordan said. "But he probably doesn't realize that what he's really telling the world is that he's desperate for an identity. I mean, I'm 100 percent Irish, but I don't run around telling every single person I meet."

"I just don't get what Dennis thinks is so thrilling about being part Irish," Jessica said. "I mean, sure, it's nice, but it doesn't exactly make you exotic. My boyfriend, now, he's 1/8th Cherokee."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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