Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End

KATY, TX—Sighing at yet another totally expected moment, local man Bradley Wuster, 38, told reporters Friday that he could already guess how his life was going to end despite only being halfway through. “Let’s face it, the suspense is pretty much over—I don’t need to plod through the last half of my time on earth to know exactly how it’ll play out,” said Wuster, adding that while the first 20 years of his life were engaging enough, since then it’s been “really predictable stuff you can see coming from miles away.” “You can tell by the way it’s just repeating itself that it’s completely out of ideas. It’s painfully obvious that I’m gonna die in a few decades, but it’s like no effort was put into making anyone care—and unless there’s some major twist, there probably won’t even be another sex scene.” At press time, Wuster was wishing he could just skip ahead all the way to the end and be done with it.

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