Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End

KATY, TX—Sighing at yet another totally expected moment, local man Bradley Wuster, 38, told reporters Friday that he could already guess how his life was going to end despite only being halfway through. “Let’s face it, the suspense is pretty much over—I don’t need to plod through the last half of my time on earth to know exactly how it’ll play out,” said Wuster, adding that while the first 20 years of his life were engaging enough, since then it’s been “really predictable stuff you can see coming from miles away.” “You can tell by the way it’s just repeating itself that it’s completely out of ideas. It’s painfully obvious that I’m gonna die in a few decades, but it’s like no effort was put into making anyone care—and unless there’s some major twist, there probably won’t even be another sex scene.” At press time, Wuster was wishing he could just skip ahead all the way to the end and be done with it.

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