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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End

KATY, TX—Sighing at yet another totally expected moment, local man Bradley Wuster, 38, told reporters Friday that he could already guess how his life was going to end despite only being halfway through. “Let’s face it, the suspense is pretty much over—I don’t need to plod through the last half of my time on earth to know exactly how it’ll play out,” said Wuster, adding that while the first 20 years of his life were engaging enough, since then it’s been “really predictable stuff you can see coming from miles away.” “You can tell by the way it’s just repeating itself that it’s completely out of ideas. It’s painfully obvious that I’m gonna die in a few decades, but it’s like no effort was put into making anyone care—and unless there’s some major twist, there probably won’t even be another sex scene.” At press time, Wuster was wishing he could just skip ahead all the way to the end and be done with it.

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