adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Wishes There Wasn't So Much Blank Room On Anniversary Card

NORWALK, CT—Citing an unfortunate lack of preprinted text to assist him, local man Nick McKean told reporters Wednesday that he wished there wasn’t so much blank space on the anniversary card he bought for his wife. “There’s only one line, and it’s in this small font,” said McKean, 38, adding he now regretted not purchasing one of the cards that had three full stanzas of poetry when he had the chance. “I could just write really huge, but that’s going to look obvious. Maybe I can write normally but leave more space between the lines? Man, why didn’t I just go with the card that had a huge picture of a rose in it? That thing took up half the card all by itself.” At press time, an exasperated McKean still had a large patch of empty space remaining and had begun filling it with several rows of XO’s.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close