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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Wishes There Wasn't So Much Blank Room On Anniversary Card

NORWALK, CT—Citing an unfortunate lack of preprinted text to assist him, local man Nick McKean told reporters Wednesday that he wished there wasn’t so much blank space on the anniversary card he bought for his wife. “There’s only one line, and it’s in this small font,” said McKean, 38, adding he now regretted not purchasing one of the cards that had three full stanzas of poetry when he had the chance. “I could just write really huge, but that’s going to look obvious. Maybe I can write normally but leave more space between the lines? Man, why didn’t I just go with the card that had a huge picture of a rose in it? That thing took up half the card all by itself.” At press time, an exasperated McKean still had a large patch of empty space remaining and had begun filling it with several rows of XO’s.

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