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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Wishes There Wasn't So Much Blank Room On Anniversary Card

NORWALK, CT—Citing an unfortunate lack of preprinted text to assist him, local man Nick McKean told reporters Wednesday that he wished there wasn’t so much blank space on the anniversary card he bought for his wife. “There’s only one line, and it’s in this small font,” said McKean, 38, adding he now regretted not purchasing one of the cards that had three full stanzas of poetry when he had the chance. “I could just write really huge, but that’s going to look obvious. Maybe I can write normally but leave more space between the lines? Man, why didn’t I just go with the card that had a huge picture of a rose in it? That thing took up half the card all by itself.” At press time, an exasperated McKean still had a large patch of empty space remaining and had begun filling it with several rows of XO’s.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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