adBlockCheck

Man With Broken Foot Plunged Into World Of Human Kindness, Caring

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man With Broken Foot Plunged Into World Of Human Kindness, Caring

Morris says it's as though he's been transported to some "alternate universe" of generosity.
Morris says it's as though he's been transported to some "alternate universe" of generosity.

MINNEAPOLIS—After an accident this past weekend in which he tripped down a flight of stairs and fractured a metatarsal in his left foot, sales analyst Tim Morris was suddenly thrown into a strange and unfamiliar world pervaded by human generosity and kindness.

According to Morris, 42, within seconds of the painful injury, he abruptly found himself immersed in a curious realm where compassion and consideration from other people was the norm, and fellow human beings exhibited an actual concern for his welfare without any thought of reciprocation.

"Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing or if there's anything else they can get me, anything at all," said Morris, appearing disoriented by the bizarre surge of human decency being directed toward him. "I went to the bank earlier and a total stranger actually stood there, smiled, and held the door for me for like 30 seconds. That's what it's like literally everywhere I go now."

"What is this place?" added Morris, gazing around in confusion.

While Morris confirmed that the people of this unusual new world look and sound exactly as they did in the world he hails from, he noted that their displays of unselfish kindness are completely unlike those he is accustomed to experiencing on a day-to-day basis.

Adding further confusion, Morris' family and friends have all paid visits to his apartment with seemingly no purpose other than to "check up" on him and help him around the house.

"My brother Brian came over earlier today with some homemade soup and told me to call him if I needed anything," said Morris, who could not remember the last time his sibling had done anything for him at all, much less offered to buy him groceries. "Just last month he said he was too busy to pick me up from the airport, and today he's washing my dirty dishes for me."

"Is that really you, Brian?" asked Morris, squinting at the man standing by his kitchen sink.

Morris also told reporters that people at his office who previously seemed unaware of his presence have suddenly begun treating him as if he were an actual person with feelings.

"My coworker Lisa offered to stop by my place and pick up some presentation materials I needed to bring to work," Morris said. "At first I actually thought it was a joke, and so I laughed. But then she was like, 'No, seriously, I'll swing by your apartment and grab them.' And then she did! I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it."

"Where I come from, people just don't do stuff like that," Morris added. "But here it happens all the time. "

Despite constantly waiting for someone to reveal a hidden motive or suddenly attempt to exploit him, Morris has so far faced nothing but kind words and benevolent actions from the people he has come across, an experience that has almost been too disorienting to handle.

"To be honest, it's almost too much, all of the empathy and charitableness," Morris said. "I guess it takes a while to get acclimated or something. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually."

As his fractured foot slowly heals, Morris' doctors have given him four to six weeks before he is spit back out into the cold and unfeeling abyss he came from.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close