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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

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CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Man With Broken Foot Plunged Into World Of Human Kindness, Caring

Morris says it's as though he's been transported to some "alternate universe" of generosity.
Morris says it's as though he's been transported to some "alternate universe" of generosity.

MINNEAPOLIS—After an accident this past weekend in which he tripped down a flight of stairs and fractured a metatarsal in his left foot, sales analyst Tim Morris was suddenly thrown into a strange and unfamiliar world pervaded by human generosity and kindness.

According to Morris, 42, within seconds of the painful injury, he abruptly found himself immersed in a curious realm where compassion and consideration from other people was the norm, and fellow human beings exhibited an actual concern for his welfare without any thought of reciprocation.

"Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing or if there's anything else they can get me, anything at all," said Morris, appearing disoriented by the bizarre surge of human decency being directed toward him. "I went to the bank earlier and a total stranger actually stood there, smiled, and held the door for me for like 30 seconds. That's what it's like literally everywhere I go now."

"What is this place?" added Morris, gazing around in confusion.

While Morris confirmed that the people of this unusual new world look and sound exactly as they did in the world he hails from, he noted that their displays of unselfish kindness are completely unlike those he is accustomed to experiencing on a day-to-day basis.

Adding further confusion, Morris' family and friends have all paid visits to his apartment with seemingly no purpose other than to "check up" on him and help him around the house.

"My brother Brian came over earlier today with some homemade soup and told me to call him if I needed anything," said Morris, who could not remember the last time his sibling had done anything for him at all, much less offered to buy him groceries. "Just last month he said he was too busy to pick me up from the airport, and today he's washing my dirty dishes for me."

"Is that really you, Brian?" asked Morris, squinting at the man standing by his kitchen sink.

Morris also told reporters that people at his office who previously seemed unaware of his presence have suddenly begun treating him as if he were an actual person with feelings.

"My coworker Lisa offered to stop by my place and pick up some presentation materials I needed to bring to work," Morris said. "At first I actually thought it was a joke, and so I laughed. But then she was like, 'No, seriously, I'll swing by your apartment and grab them.' And then she did! I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it."

"Where I come from, people just don't do stuff like that," Morris added. "But here it happens all the time. "

Despite constantly waiting for someone to reveal a hidden motive or suddenly attempt to exploit him, Morris has so far faced nothing but kind words and benevolent actions from the people he has come across, an experience that has almost been too disorienting to handle.

"To be honest, it's almost too much, all of the empathy and charitableness," Morris said. "I guess it takes a while to get acclimated or something. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it eventually."

As his fractured foot slowly heals, Morris' doctors have given him four to six weeks before he is spit back out into the cold and unfeeling abyss he came from.

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