Man With Complete Mama's Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again

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Vol 35 Issue 30

Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne Vaughn recalled his numerous neighbors as "quiet and unsuspecting." "The Blaines were nice people who pretty much kept to themselves," Vaughn said of Michael and Meredith Blaine, a young couple who lived across the street from the serial killer until their deaths on Oct. 9, 1998. "They always seemed very cordial and extremely trusting." Vaughn also fondly remembered the neighborly spirit of the Baggios of Juniper Street. "I paid their kid to mow my lawn once," he said, "and after that it was as if we were old friends." Vaughn also praised his postman as extremely polite and helpful, noting, "He'd come right into your basement if you said you needed help reaching something."

Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent Street Playhouse, which had been fighting to raise awareness of itself throughout virtually all of its 14th year of existence. "We did all we could," said councilman Willard Hogue. "But by the end, that poor theater was just a shell of its former self. It's never easy to look into the eyes of a repertory company and tell it the end is near, but when that moment came, even the cast of True West admitted it was sort of a relief."

Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely asking for everything he got." "That guy was harassing that bird," farm visitor Brenda Arons said. "He should've thought about what he was getting himself into." Padgett co-worker Jim Twilley agreed, saying, "Gertie has put up with a lot from Steve since he started working here. I say it's about time he got what was coming to him." Padgett is hospitalized and in stable condition after sustaining numerous injuries, including severe cranial trauma and four broken ribs, in the flightless creature's assault.

Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?

Presence Of Three Round Objects Triggers Juggling Reflex In Local Man

ST. JOSEPH, MO—The juggling reflex of area resident Joel Brodhagen was triggered Tuesday, when a lemon, potato and spherical votive candle all appeared in his range of vision. "Hey, check it out, Henry!" the 33-year-old juggling enthusiast exclaimed to uninterested friend Henry Graves as he kept the objects airborne for nearly three minutes. "Whoa, almost lost it there!" Other objects recently juggled reflexively by Brodhagen include an apple, a Koosh ball and a souvenir snow globe from Niagara Falls.
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Man With Complete Mama's Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again

NEWTON, MA—In a solemn pledge to himself and the world, Kevin Wollersheim, the new owner of a complete Mama's Family video library, announced Monday that he will "never, ever again" shop the online auction house eBay while inebriated.

Wollersheim and a portion of his recent purchase. Inset: Vicki Lawrence as TV's Mother Harper.

"Over the course of Saturday evening, Aug. 21, I drank two Jack and Cokes, somewhere in the vicinity of six to eight Icehouse beers, plus, I believe, at least one shot of Cuervo 1800 tequila," Wollersheim said at a press conference held in his apartment. "And, although I now have no memory of doing so, it is clear that I logged on to America Online and accessed eBay sometime before 2:28 a.m. early Sunday morning."

"During my visit to the eBay site," Wollersheim continued, his voice beginning to break, "for some reason known only to God, I entered a maximum bid of $300 in an auction for the entire episode run of the popular '80s situation comedy Mama's Family, starring Vicki Lawrence and Ken Berry."

"I won that auction," he added gravely.

The final sale price for the 44-tape set was $279.50, with shipping charges raising the total amount spent by the 33-year-old elementary-school teacher to $301.67. Wollersheim, who said he is "partway through the first episode," also received a copy of the 1981 made-for-TV movie Eunice, which preceded the sitcom.

"I was understandably stunned by my own actions on that fateful night," Wollersheim said, "yet I was bound by honor to pay in full for the tapes, if only to preserve my positive feedback rating."

Wollersheim has attempted to reconstruct the mental process which led to his excessively generous bid for item #114258855.

"I remember always liking that sketch where Tim Conway makes Harvey Korman crack up talking about the 'Siamese elephants,'" he said. "But that was on The Carol Burnett Show, before Mama's Family was ever a series. Maybe I was so drunk I didn't remember that, though."

Continued Wollersheim: "Or maybe it was because Debra Dunning, this girl I went to high school with, used to watch that show, and my 15-year reunion is coming up, so I somehow thought I'd impress her because I have every episode. But Debra's married, so even that doesn't make sense."

Though Wollersheim has been known to regret eBay purchases in the past, including a $65.50 "autographed" Carl Yastrzemski lithograph which turned out to bear a reproduced signature and a Japanese import Steely Dan CD that "turned out to be just a bunch of weird remixes," his recent acquisition is by far the most puzzling.

"Do you think I was so drunk that someone could have broken into my house, started up my computer and bid without me knowing it? No, that can't be. They wouldn't have had my password," said Wollersheim, whose money order for $301.67 was received Sunday by seller "bluebird27." "Did I mean to type in a bid of $30 and enter $300 by accident? But what would have made me bid even $30?"

Whatever the rationale for the purchase, Wollersheim insisted that appreciation of, or even nostalgia for, the program was not a factor.

"I hardly even remember the show," Wollersheim said. "I recall that Mama was a contestant on Family Feud once, and... that's it. I remember the Family Feud episode."

"Christ," he added, "I can't believe they made 130 goddamn episodes of that show. How many years is that? I'm gonna need a new cabinet."

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