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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

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Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Man With Complete Mama's Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again

NEWTON, MA—In a solemn pledge to himself and the world, Kevin Wollersheim, the new owner of a complete Mama's Family video library, announced Monday that he will "never, ever again" shop the online auction house eBay while inebriated.

Wollersheim and a portion of his recent purchase. Inset: Vicki Lawrence as TV's Mother Harper.

"Over the course of Saturday evening, Aug. 21, I drank two Jack and Cokes, somewhere in the vicinity of six to eight Icehouse beers, plus, I believe, at least one shot of Cuervo 1800 tequila," Wollersheim said at a press conference held in his apartment. "And, although I now have no memory of doing so, it is clear that I logged on to America Online and accessed eBay sometime before 2:28 a.m. early Sunday morning."

"During my visit to the eBay site," Wollersheim continued, his voice beginning to break, "for some reason known only to God, I entered a maximum bid of $300 in an auction for the entire episode run of the popular '80s situation comedy Mama's Family, starring Vicki Lawrence and Ken Berry."

"I won that auction," he added gravely.

The final sale price for the 44-tape set was $279.50, with shipping charges raising the total amount spent by the 33-year-old elementary-school teacher to $301.67. Wollersheim, who said he is "partway through the first episode," also received a copy of the 1981 made-for-TV movie Eunice, which preceded the sitcom.

"I was understandably stunned by my own actions on that fateful night," Wollersheim said, "yet I was bound by honor to pay in full for the tapes, if only to preserve my positive feedback rating."

Wollersheim has attempted to reconstruct the mental process which led to his excessively generous bid for item #114258855.

"I remember always liking that sketch where Tim Conway makes Harvey Korman crack up talking about the 'Siamese elephants,'" he said. "But that was on The Carol Burnett Show, before Mama's Family was ever a series. Maybe I was so drunk I didn't remember that, though."

Continued Wollersheim: "Or maybe it was because Debra Dunning, this girl I went to high school with, used to watch that show, and my 15-year reunion is coming up, so I somehow thought I'd impress her because I have every episode. But Debra's married, so even that doesn't make sense."

Though Wollersheim has been known to regret eBay purchases in the past, including a $65.50 "autographed" Carl Yastrzemski lithograph which turned out to bear a reproduced signature and a Japanese import Steely Dan CD that "turned out to be just a bunch of weird remixes," his recent acquisition is by far the most puzzling.

"Do you think I was so drunk that someone could have broken into my house, started up my computer and bid without me knowing it? No, that can't be. They wouldn't have had my password," said Wollersheim, whose money order for $301.67 was received Sunday by seller "bluebird27." "Did I mean to type in a bid of $30 and enter $300 by accident? But what would have made me bid even $30?"

Whatever the rationale for the purchase, Wollersheim insisted that appreciation of, or even nostalgia for, the program was not a factor.

"I hardly even remember the show," Wollersheim said. "I recall that Mama was a contestant on Family Feud once, and... that's it. I remember the Family Feud episode."

"Christ," he added, "I can't believe they made 130 goddamn episodes of that show. How many years is that? I'm gonna need a new cabinet."

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