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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man With New 40-Disc CD Changer Needs 18 More CDs

OVERLAND PARK, KS—With 22 slots filled in his new Sony 40-disc CD player, Overland Park restaurateur William Fedorisko still needs 18 more discs, it was learned Monday. "I was thinking of maybe getting that five-disc Paul Simon box set. That would fill up some of those slots in a hurry," the 43-year-old Fedorisko told reporters. "And then, for the remaining 13 slots, maybe I'll get the You've Got Mail soundtrack, the new Eric Clapton and maybe some Sheryl Crow. But whatever I get, I'd better do it fast: That 40-disc-changing technology is just going to waste."

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