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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man With New Generator Hoping For Power Outage

PITTSFIELD, MA– Days after purchasing a new Coleman Powermate 2500 portable generator, homeowner Randy Denton expressed hope for a power outage Monday. "Man, a huge, citywide blackout would be fantastic," said Denton, scanning the sky for signs of storm activity. "I'd love to give this baby's 5.0 Tecumseh engine with electronic ignition a little ride." Added Denton: "That maple tree across the street is pretty old. I bet a good gust could knock it across those power lines."

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