Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 15

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.

Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the offi...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out

NORFOLK, VA—Cracking open a beer and settling into his couch Saturday night, local man Martin Burfette, who had no previously scheduled plans for the evening nor invitations to attend a social gathering of any kind, confirmed that he was simply too exhausted to leave his apartment. “I’m pretty beat; think I’ll just kick back and stay in tonight,” said the socially bereft 32-year-old, who decided that, “after the week [he] had,” he would simply order takeout, watch Netflix, and fall asleep, a course of action that was essentially the only option available to him. “You know, I put in a lot of work over the past few days, so why shouldn’t I give myself a break and relax? I could really use a little me time.” Sources confirmed that Burfette leapt up instantaneously to grab his phone at the sound of an incoming text message.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More