Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out

NORFOLK, VA—Cracking open a beer and settling into his couch Saturday night, local man Martin Burfette, who had no previously scheduled plans for the evening nor invitations to attend a social gathering of any kind, confirmed that he was simply too exhausted to leave his apartment. “I’m pretty beat; think I’ll just kick back and stay in tonight,” said the socially bereft 32-year-old, who decided that, “after the week [he] had,” he would simply order takeout, watch Netflix, and fall asleep, a course of action that was essentially the only option available to him. “You know, I put in a lot of work over the past few days, so why shouldn’t I give myself a break and relax? I could really use a little me time.” Sources confirmed that Burfette leapt up instantaneously to grab his phone at the sound of an incoming text message.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close