Man With Shirt Off Terrifies Community

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Vol 30 Issue 02

Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas. "It is Him!" said Paolo Bruni, 63, a merchant from Sorrento who traveled 200 miles to the diSforzi Museum to see the vision of Christ floating in the middle of a "golden rectangle." "It is truly a miracle," he said. Despite the clear depiction of Christ, many remain unconvinced. "It is a trick of the light," said German tourist Dieter Ühler, 34. "This is, ah, how do you say, an impossibility." The discovery of the miracle canvas comes just weeks after the supposed discovery of a 9x12-inch piece of paper with some fruit on it in a French museum.

Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and "cigars so poorly rolled they fall apart when you smoke them." He also lambasted magazines with pages so glossy that they're unreadable, and his wife's inability to gyrate and speak in a sexy manner during intercourse. "I've had it," Kingery told an assembled crowd of 2,000 at the State Capitol. "And I plan to drive legislation through the State Assembly to take action on these injustices." Gov. Kingery later recanted the statements, admitting he was "coked to the gills" at the time.

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.
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Man With Shirt Off Terrifies Community

MIDFORD, OHIO—Downtown Midford was rocked with terror yesterday when a man with his shirt off casually lounged in the sun, causing panic in the streets and striking desperate fear into the hearts of the town's citizenry.

Gary Dernbaum's exposed torso threw Midford, OH, into a state of panic and chaos yesterday, forcing the governor to declare a state of "Visual Emergency."

The alleged perpetrator, Gary Dernbaum of nearby Plovis, was described by police and city officials as "frighteningly nonchalant" in his behavior, apparently unmoved by the state of stark terror his sweat-covered, flabby torso inspired in others.

Dernbaum, a third-shift auto assembly worker and NASCAR racing collectibles enthusiast, reportedly added insult to injury by spending most of his shirtlessness eating and drinking, devouring a chili dog "without remorse."

According to sources, Dernbaum also engaged in friendly conversation with several terror-struck passersby unlucky enough to make eye contact with him, greeting their stares of shock and repulsion with casual remarks like, "Gee, it's hot out!" and "Phew! Sweaty day today, huh?"

It is believed he also patted and slapped at his belly during a number of these verbal harangues, heightening witnesses' reactions to a fever-pitch crescendo of desperate panic and fear.

"It was horrible," said witness Elaine Dunhover at the overflowing emergency ward of City General. "He just sat there with this oblivious smile on his face, as if what he was... I can't think of another word but, well, baring... to the world was somehow acceptable to human sight."

Dozens were seriously injured when Plovis resident Gary Dernbaum bent over to pick up a can of soda. City officials are urging residents to stay indoors and remain calm until the crisis passes.

The distraught Dunhover then collapsed into tears, and, like many others, took solace in the warm reassurances of her pastor.

According to police, efforts to subdue Dernbaum's shirtlessness were badly hampered by the fact that he was standing or sitting in full sunlight, with the resultant glare from his fish-white, distended belly making eyewitness identification nearly impossible.

"It was like you couldn't look right at him, because the brightness hurt your eyes," said one woman who spent 15 minutes exposed to the shirtless Dernbaum before volunteers could remove her to safety.

Added hero teen Glenda Martinez, a 15-year-old student who survived the entire affair with only a fractured rib: "All I could think of was, 'My friends live in this neighborhood. Oh my God, they could end up seeing him too!' I honestly didn't know if they were alive or dead. All I knew was fear."

In the wake of yesterday's tragedy, Midford Police are advising city residents to remain indoors for the rest of the current heat wave, as more shirtlessness may still occur.

Out-of-town callers seeking information on the safety of relatives or loved ones are advised to call a special toll-free crisis line, 1-800-555-WHALE, where volunteers are standing by.

Further, a temporary state of Visual Emergency has been declared by Gov. Jim Nelson for the next 12 days. As an added precaution, authorities have confiscated several hundred lawn chairs, mesh tank-tops and portable coolers in an effort to keep any additional males driven shirtless by the weather indoors, and citizens out of harm's way until the crisis passes.

"The last thing we want is a repeat of this tragedy," Gov. Nelson said. "Flesh like this must be kept from public view at all times."

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