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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until He Gets Fired

EULESS, TX–Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.

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