Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium

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Vol 49 Issue 30

Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer

According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers.

Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint

Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor.
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

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Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium

NEW YORK—Announcing his decision to remain in the New York City mayoral race, a man whose self-taken cell phone photographs of his penis have been widely circulated and viewed by millions of Americans was reportedly not the most humiliated person standing behind the podium at a press conference yesterday, sources confirmed. “These things that I did were wrong and hurtful,” said the man who, despite referring to himself online as Carlos Danger and repeatedly sharing images of his genitals on social media sites, was somehow not the most embarrassed person standing within three feet of the bank of microphones and dozens of reporters. “I want to again say that I am very sorry to anyone who was on the receiving end of these messages and the disruption that this has caused. Now it’s time to move forward.” At press time, the individual whose name is now little more than a punch line remained the least ashamed person in his house.

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