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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium

NEW YORK—Announcing his decision to remain in the New York City mayoral race, a man whose self-taken cell phone photographs of his penis have been widely circulated and viewed by millions of Americans was reportedly not the most humiliated person standing behind the podium at a press conference yesterday, sources confirmed. “These things that I did were wrong and hurtful,” said the man who, despite referring to himself online as Carlos Danger and repeatedly sharing images of his genitals on social media sites, was somehow not the most embarrassed person standing within three feet of the bank of microphones and dozens of reporters. “I want to again say that I am very sorry to anyone who was on the receiving end of these messages and the disruption that this has caused. Now it’s time to move forward.” At press time, the individual whose name is now little more than a punch line remained the least ashamed person in his house.

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