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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium

NEW YORK—Announcing his decision to remain in the New York City mayoral race, a man whose self-taken cell phone photographs of his penis have been widely circulated and viewed by millions of Americans was reportedly not the most humiliated person standing behind the podium at a press conference yesterday, sources confirmed. “These things that I did were wrong and hurtful,” said the man who, despite referring to himself online as Carlos Danger and repeatedly sharing images of his genitals on social media sites, was somehow not the most embarrassed person standing within three feet of the bank of microphones and dozens of reporters. “I want to again say that I am very sorry to anyone who was on the receiving end of these messages and the disruption that this has caused. Now it’s time to move forward.” At press time, the individual whose name is now little more than a punch line remained the least ashamed person in his house.

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