adBlockCheck

Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’

SAN ANTONIO—NCG Information Systems sales associate Greg Autry told reporters Wednesday that he is currently in the process of “psyching himself up” to ask Head Database Management Analyst Stacy Donahue to their office’s annual Fall Ball.

Autry attributed his anxiety to a number of concerns, ranging from whether Donahue already had a date to Fall Ball to worries about what a “pretty, popular girl like Stacy” would even think about a “guy like [him]” asking her to the first important dance of the second fiscal quarter.

“Everyone’s telling me I should ask her, but why would Stacy even say yes?” said the 38-year-old, noting that Donahue is “so cool” and “hangs out with all the cool coworkers, like [Software Project Manager] Jim [Wataski] and [UNIX Build Engineer] Marissa [Hanover].” “What if she thinks it’s a joke and laughs in my face? I’d be humiliated. We talk in the elevator and stuff and she’s always really nice, though. I’m probably getting way too freaked out about this.”

“Stacy’s awesome,” Autry added. “I was going to ask her after our morning meeting, but she was talking to [Fiber Optics Technician] Eric Connors. What was she talking to him for, anyhow?”

According to Autry, the window to ask Stacy is closing. Tickets to the dance, which Autry said “cost, like, 60 bucks,” stop going on sale Thursday. In addition, he said he needs to tell head sales manager Cynthia Truswell whether or not he’s bringing a date because Truswell needs to know who’s getting in on the sales team limo.

Moreover, Autry told reporters that if he does ask Stacy and she “by some miracle” says yes, he’ll need to order a corsage and figure out where everyone is pregaming.

“Stacy’s the head of the decoration committee, so at least I know she’s planning on going,” Autry said, adding that the way she transformed the conference room into a winter wonderland last year was “unforgettable.” “I heard they’re doing a ‘Starry Night’ theme this time, and they’re going to get all these glow necklaces and stars. Bottom line, if Stacy’s in charge of it, it’s going to come out looking great.”

“I just hope she says yes,” Autry added. “But I guess I could always go stag. I’m pretty sure my wife won’t want to go.”

At press time, Stacy was standing in the office kitchen all by herself, and sources confirmed it was high time Autry grow a pair.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close