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Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’

SAN ANTONIO—NCG Information Systems sales associate Greg Autry told reporters Wednesday that he is currently in the process of “psyching himself up” to ask Head Database Management Analyst Stacy Donahue to their office’s annual Fall Ball.

Autry attributed his anxiety to a number of concerns, ranging from whether Donahue already had a date to Fall Ball to worries about what a “pretty, popular girl like Stacy” would even think about a “guy like [him]” asking her to the first important dance of the second fiscal quarter.

“Everyone’s telling me I should ask her, but why would Stacy even say yes?” said the 38-year-old, noting that Donahue is “so cool” and “hangs out with all the cool coworkers, like [Software Project Manager] Jim [Wataski] and [UNIX Build Engineer] Marissa [Hanover].” “What if she thinks it’s a joke and laughs in my face? I’d be humiliated. We talk in the elevator and stuff and she’s always really nice, though. I’m probably getting way too freaked out about this.”

“Stacy’s awesome,” Autry added. “I was going to ask her after our morning meeting, but she was talking to [Fiber Optics Technician] Eric Connors. What was she talking to him for, anyhow?”

According to Autry, the window to ask Stacy is closing. Tickets to the dance, which Autry said “cost, like, 60 bucks,” stop going on sale Thursday. In addition, he said he needs to tell head sales manager Cynthia Truswell whether or not he’s bringing a date because Truswell needs to know who’s getting in on the sales team limo.

Moreover, Autry told reporters that if he does ask Stacy and she “by some miracle” says yes, he’ll need to order a corsage and figure out where everyone is pregaming.

“Stacy’s the head of the decoration committee, so at least I know she’s planning on going,” Autry said, adding that the way she transformed the conference room into a winter wonderland last year was “unforgettable.” “I heard they’re doing a ‘Starry Night’ theme this time, and they’re going to get all these glow necklaces and stars. Bottom line, if Stacy’s in charge of it, it’s going to come out looking great.”

“I just hope she says yes,” Autry added. “But I guess I could always go stag. I’m pretty sure my wife won’t want to go.”

At press time, Stacy was standing in the office kitchen all by herself, and sources confirmed it was high time Autry grow a pair.

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