Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

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Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

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Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’

SAN ANTONIO—NCG Information Systems sales associate Greg Autry told reporters Wednesday that he is currently in the process of “psyching himself up” to ask Head Database Management Analyst Stacy Donahue to their office’s annual Fall Ball.

Autry attributed his anxiety to a number of concerns, ranging from whether Donahue already had a date to Fall Ball to worries about what a “pretty, popular girl like Stacy” would even think about a “guy like [him]” asking her to the first important dance of the second fiscal quarter.

“Everyone’s telling me I should ask her, but why would Stacy even say yes?” said the 38-year-old, noting that Donahue is “so cool” and “hangs out with all the cool coworkers, like [Software Project Manager] Jim [Wataski] and [UNIX Build Engineer] Marissa [Hanover].” “What if she thinks it’s a joke and laughs in my face? I’d be humiliated. We talk in the elevator and stuff and she’s always really nice, though. I’m probably getting way too freaked out about this.”

“Stacy’s awesome,” Autry added. “I was going to ask her after our morning meeting, but she was talking to [Fiber Optics Technician] Eric Connors. What was she talking to him for, anyhow?”

According to Autry, the window to ask Stacy is closing. Tickets to the dance, which Autry said “cost, like, 60 bucks,” stop going on sale Thursday. In addition, he said he needs to tell head sales manager Cynthia Truswell whether or not he’s bringing a date because Truswell needs to know who’s getting in on the sales team limo.

Moreover, Autry told reporters that if he does ask Stacy and she “by some miracle” says yes, he’ll need to order a corsage and figure out where everyone is pregaming.

“Stacy’s the head of the decoration committee, so at least I know she’s planning on going,” Autry said, adding that the way she transformed the conference room into a winter wonderland last year was “unforgettable.” “I heard they’re doing a ‘Starry Night’ theme this time, and they’re going to get all these glow necklaces and stars. Bottom line, if Stacy’s in charge of it, it’s going to come out looking great.”

“I just hope she says yes,” Autry added. “But I guess I could always go stag. I’m pretty sure my wife won’t want to go.”

At press time, Stacy was standing in the office kitchen all by herself, and sources confirmed it was high time Autry grow a pair.


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