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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone

ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone. “He usually always picks up around this time—I hope he’s okay,” Mead told reporters as he anxiously paced around his apartment, considering the possibility that the 19-year-old purveyor of marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy could be lost, scared, and all alone out there somewhere. “Why isn’t he answering? I texted him, ‘Jared. Please, please pick up your phone,’ but he hasn’t responded. He’s got me worried sick!” After nearly 15 minutes with no response, Mead lost all hope and called his other guy.

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