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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone

ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone. “He usually always picks up around this time—I hope he’s okay,” Mead told reporters as he anxiously paced around his apartment, considering the possibility that the 19-year-old purveyor of marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy could be lost, scared, and all alone out there somewhere. “Why isn’t he answering? I texted him, ‘Jared. Please, please pick up your phone,’ but he hasn’t responded. He’s got me worried sick!” After nearly 15 minutes with no response, Mead lost all hope and called his other guy.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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