adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone

ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone. “He usually always picks up around this time—I hope he’s okay,” Mead told reporters as he anxiously paced around his apartment, considering the possibility that the 19-year-old purveyor of marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy could be lost, scared, and all alone out there somewhere. “Why isn’t he answering? I texted him, ‘Jared. Please, please pick up your phone,’ but he hasn’t responded. He’s got me worried sick!” After nearly 15 minutes with no response, Mead lost all hope and called his other guy.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close