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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Worried About Drug Dealer Who's Not Picking Up Phone

ATLANTA—Growing increasingly concerned with each successive call, local man Ryan Mead, 24, began to worry late Tuesday afternoon after his drug dealer, Jared, failed to pick up his phone. “He usually always picks up around this time—I hope he’s okay,” Mead told reporters as he anxiously paced around his apartment, considering the possibility that the 19-year-old purveyor of marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy could be lost, scared, and all alone out there somewhere. “Why isn’t he answering? I texted him, ‘Jared. Please, please pick up your phone,’ but he hasn’t responded. He’s got me worried sick!” After nearly 15 minutes with no response, Mead lost all hope and called his other guy.

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