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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party

PHILADELPHIA—Affirming his distaste for larger social gatherings, local man Pete Trobeman told reporters last weekend he prefers evenings spent annoying a handful of close friends to irritating groups of strangers at parties. “The idea of picking up a six-pack and bothering the hell out of a few buddies for the night is far more appealing to me than, say, going to some random apartment and forcing myself to grate on the nerves of a bunch of people I don’t even know,” said Trobeman, 27, confirming he is most comfortable in settings where everyone already knows how unbearably obnoxious he is. “The way I see it, why should I meet all these new people and then go around monopolizing their conversations, insulting their personal interests, and making snide comments about the music playing when I could be doing the exact same thing with my usual group of friends?” Trobeman added that if given the choice, he usually prefers to stay at home and have a quiet night pissing off his roommate.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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