Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party

PHILADELPHIA—Affirming his distaste for larger social gatherings, local man Pete Trobeman told reporters last weekend he prefers evenings spent annoying a handful of close friends to irritating groups of strangers at parties. “The idea of picking up a six-pack and bothering the hell out of a few buddies for the night is far more appealing to me than, say, going to some random apartment and forcing myself to grate on the nerves of a bunch of people I don’t even know,” said Trobeman, 27, confirming he is most comfortable in settings where everyone already knows how unbearably obnoxious he is. “The way I see it, why should I meet all these new people and then go around monopolizing their conversations, insulting their personal interests, and making snide comments about the music playing when I could be doing the exact same thing with my usual group of friends?” Trobeman added that if given the choice, he usually prefers to stay at home and have a quiet night pissing off his roommate.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.