adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party

PHILADELPHIA—Affirming his distaste for larger social gatherings, local man Pete Trobeman told reporters last weekend he prefers evenings spent annoying a handful of close friends to irritating groups of strangers at parties. “The idea of picking up a six-pack and bothering the hell out of a few buddies for the night is far more appealing to me than, say, going to some random apartment and forcing myself to grate on the nerves of a bunch of people I don’t even know,” said Trobeman, 27, confirming he is most comfortable in settings where everyone already knows how unbearably obnoxious he is. “The way I see it, why should I meet all these new people and then go around monopolizing their conversations, insulting their personal interests, and making snide comments about the music playing when I could be doing the exact same thing with my usual group of friends?” Trobeman added that if given the choice, he usually prefers to stay at home and have a quiet night pissing off his roommate.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close