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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party

PHILADELPHIA—Affirming his distaste for larger social gatherings, local man Pete Trobeman told reporters last weekend he prefers evenings spent annoying a handful of close friends to irritating groups of strangers at parties. “The idea of picking up a six-pack and bothering the hell out of a few buddies for the night is far more appealing to me than, say, going to some random apartment and forcing myself to grate on the nerves of a bunch of people I don’t even know,” said Trobeman, 27, confirming he is most comfortable in settings where everyone already knows how unbearably obnoxious he is. “The way I see it, why should I meet all these new people and then go around monopolizing their conversations, insulting their personal interests, and making snide comments about the music playing when I could be doing the exact same thing with my usual group of friends?” Trobeman added that if given the choice, he usually prefers to stay at home and have a quiet night pissing off his roommate.

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