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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Management Determined To Find Out Who In Company Leaked Information That CEO Is Asshole

NEW YORK—Employees at software maker Rosgrove Inc. report they were harshly reprimanded Wednesday morning when executives demanded to know who leaked proprietary information confirming CEO Dan Murray is an asshole. "The fact that Mr. Murray is a callous son-of-a-bitch who has no idea what the fuck he's doing is the intellectual property of this company, and as such it is intended to remain within the organization," said Rosgrove communications director Donna Kremer, adding that management has launched a staff-wide investigation to find out how the press discovered Murray is a cocksucking piece of shit who's completely out of touch with reality. "If anyone has any information on who spoke to reporters about the backslapping, double-dealing fat fuck who heads this company, please let us know." Reached for comment, Murray denied he was an asshole and said employees were merely upset with his recent cost-cutting measures aimed at making quick, short-lasting improvements to the balance sheet so he can sell his stake in the company and comfortably retire before completely running the organization into the ground.

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