adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Management Determined To Find Out Who In Company Leaked Information That CEO Is Asshole

NEW YORK—Employees at software maker Rosgrove Inc. report they were harshly reprimanded Wednesday morning when executives demanded to know who leaked proprietary information confirming CEO Dan Murray is an asshole. "The fact that Mr. Murray is a callous son-of-a-bitch who has no idea what the fuck he's doing is the intellectual property of this company, and as such it is intended to remain within the organization," said Rosgrove communications director Donna Kremer, adding that management has launched a staff-wide investigation to find out how the press discovered Murray is a cocksucking piece of shit who's completely out of touch with reality. "If anyone has any information on who spoke to reporters about the backslapping, double-dealing fat fuck who heads this company, please let us know." Reached for comment, Murray denied he was an asshole and said employees were merely upset with his recent cost-cutting measures aimed at making quick, short-lasting improvements to the balance sheet so he can sell his stake in the company and comfortably retire before completely running the organization into the ground.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close