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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Management Determined To Find Out Who In Company Leaked Information That CEO Is Asshole

NEW YORK—Employees at software maker Rosgrove Inc. report they were harshly reprimanded Wednesday morning when executives demanded to know who leaked proprietary information confirming CEO Dan Murray is an asshole. "The fact that Mr. Murray is a callous son-of-a-bitch who has no idea what the fuck he's doing is the intellectual property of this company, and as such it is intended to remain within the organization," said Rosgrove communications director Donna Kremer, adding that management has launched a staff-wide investigation to find out how the press discovered Murray is a cocksucking piece of shit who's completely out of touch with reality. "If anyone has any information on who spoke to reporters about the backslapping, double-dealing fat fuck who heads this company, please let us know." Reached for comment, Murray denied he was an asshole and said employees were merely upset with his recent cost-cutting measures aimed at making quick, short-lasting improvements to the balance sheet so he can sell his stake in the company and comfortably retire before completely running the organization into the ground.

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