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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Manager Fails To Keep It Short Or Sweet

ADA, OH— Despite his promise, Sbarro manager Bruce Hart failed to keep his talk regarding proper straw-receptacle-refill protocol short or sweet. "He could've just said, 'Don't overstuff the straw dispenser, because it's hard to get them out when you do that,'" cashier Evan Rees said. "Instead, he spent 15 minutes going off about how much straws cost, and how customers don't like it when they have to claw at the dispenser, and how it can be unhygienic if the wrappers get torn." Rees said that Hart occasionally keeps it short or sweet, but never both at the same time.

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