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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Manager Fails To Keep It Short Or Sweet

ADA, OH— Despite his promise, Sbarro manager Bruce Hart failed to keep his talk regarding proper straw-receptacle-refill protocol short or sweet. "He could've just said, 'Don't overstuff the straw dispenser, because it's hard to get them out when you do that,'" cashier Evan Rees said. "Instead, he spent 15 minutes going off about how much straws cost, and how customers don't like it when they have to claw at the dispenser, and how it can be unhygienic if the wrappers get torn." Rees said that Hart occasionally keeps it short or sweet, but never both at the same time.

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