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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Manager Inspires Marlins With Clubhouse Reading Of Contractual Obligations To Play Out Season

MIAMI—Prior to their Monday evening game against the Phillies, Marlins manager Mike Redmond motivated his players with a moving reading of the team’s contractual obligations to play out the rest of their season, clubhouse sources confirmed. “Before we go out there tonight, I want you guys to remember this: As it states in article V of section 3(a), we are all legally bound to play all nine innings tonight in order to receive full salaries plus health, dental, and retirement benefits,” Redmond reportedly said as his players gathered around and quietly nodded along with his words. “I want each of you to look at yourself not just as a player, not just as a man, but as a paid employee of the Miami Marlins franchise owned by Jeffrey Loria, who signed you to play for this Major League Baseball team for a minimum of 162 regular-season games. And after tonight, when you come off that field, you hold your heads up high, because you fulfilled the requirements necessary to get your paychecks. So c’mon, boys, let’s go to work as our contracts stipulate!” After Redmond reminded players that their season will be over on September 29 no matter what happens against Philadelphia, the entire team reportedly erupted in cheers and excitedly took the field.

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