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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Manager Inspires Marlins With Clubhouse Reading Of Contractual Obligations To Play Out Season

MIAMI—Prior to their Monday evening game against the Phillies, Marlins manager Mike Redmond motivated his players with a moving reading of the team’s contractual obligations to play out the rest of their season, clubhouse sources confirmed. “Before we go out there tonight, I want you guys to remember this: As it states in article V of section 3(a), we are all legally bound to play all nine innings tonight in order to receive full salaries plus health, dental, and retirement benefits,” Redmond reportedly said as his players gathered around and quietly nodded along with his words. “I want each of you to look at yourself not just as a player, not just as a man, but as a paid employee of the Miami Marlins franchise owned by Jeffrey Loria, who signed you to play for this Major League Baseball team for a minimum of 162 regular-season games. And after tonight, when you come off that field, you hold your heads up high, because you fulfilled the requirements necessary to get your paychecks. So c’mon, boys, let’s go to work as our contracts stipulate!” After Redmond reminded players that their season will be over on September 29 no matter what happens against Philadelphia, the entire team reportedly erupted in cheers and excitedly took the field.

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