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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Manager Inspires Marlins With Clubhouse Reading Of Contractual Obligations To Play Out Season

MIAMI—Prior to their Monday evening game against the Phillies, Marlins manager Mike Redmond motivated his players with a moving reading of the team’s contractual obligations to play out the rest of their season, clubhouse sources confirmed. “Before we go out there tonight, I want you guys to remember this: As it states in article V of section 3(a), we are all legally bound to play all nine innings tonight in order to receive full salaries plus health, dental, and retirement benefits,” Redmond reportedly said as his players gathered around and quietly nodded along with his words. “I want each of you to look at yourself not just as a player, not just as a man, but as a paid employee of the Miami Marlins franchise owned by Jeffrey Loria, who signed you to play for this Major League Baseball team for a minimum of 162 regular-season games. And after tonight, when you come off that field, you hold your heads up high, because you fulfilled the requirements necessary to get your paychecks. So c’mon, boys, let’s go to work as our contracts stipulate!” After Redmond reminded players that their season will be over on September 29 no matter what happens against Philadelphia, the entire team reportedly erupted in cheers and excitedly took the field.

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