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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Manager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page

PROVO, UT—Sources at area media company T-Net Solutions reported Thursday that manager Phil Harden slit his own throat from ear-to-ear after discovering he had neglected to loop in all of his employees, resulting in some of them not being entirely on the same page. “No! I’ve failed to keep an open line of communication throughout the office and make sure everyone’s up to speed!” the 37-year-old mid-level manager reportedly screamed shortly before grabbing a letter opener, slicing open his neck, and spraying blood across the faces of stunned employees. “Why the hell didn’t I do more to ensure that all the departments—from sales to human resources—were pulling in the same direction? I could have at least conducted a few team-building exercises to encourage more dynamic group interactions. Aaaaarrrggggghhhhhhhh!” At press time, sources confirmed a memo was circulated around the office in Harden’s honor, reminding the entire staff about “the importance of regular check-ins.”

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