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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Manager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page

PROVO, UT—Sources at area media company T-Net Solutions reported Thursday that manager Phil Harden slit his own throat from ear-to-ear after discovering he had neglected to loop in all of his employees, resulting in some of them not being entirely on the same page. “No! I’ve failed to keep an open line of communication throughout the office and make sure everyone’s up to speed!” the 37-year-old mid-level manager reportedly screamed shortly before grabbing a letter opener, slicing open his neck, and spraying blood across the faces of stunned employees. “Why the hell didn’t I do more to ensure that all the departments—from sales to human resources—were pulling in the same direction? I could have at least conducted a few team-building exercises to encourage more dynamic group interactions. Aaaaarrrggggghhhhhhhh!” At press time, sources confirmed a memo was circulated around the office in Harden’s honor, reminding the entire staff about “the importance of regular check-ins.”

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