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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Mandatory Unisex Golden Globes Uniforms Keep Focus On Stars’ Work

LOS ANGELES—Pundits from across the entertainment industry are hailing the fashion requirements put in place at last night’s Golden Globes as a resounding success, agreeing that the Hollywood Foreign Press’ mandate that all celebrities wear identical gray full-body unisex jumpsuits achieved the intended goal of refocusing the ceremony on the craft of acting and filmmaking. “The spirit of the Golden Globes has always been about celebrating individuals’ achievements in film and television, not their physical appearance or wardrobe, and the hundreds of required one-size-fits-all bodysuits worn last night certainly helped redirect attention to where it’s due,” said E! correspondent Kristina Guerrero of the compulsory gender-neutral garments that Hollywood A-listers were obligated to wear as they filed in a straight line down the red carpet, sans makeup, at precise intervals. “Of course, you can’t deny that despite the uniforms, the stars still dazzled. I mean, whether she’s wearing a custom Zac Posen gown or a woolen body covering and matte-finish Velcro sneakers, you just can’t take your eyes off Amy Adams.” Fashion critics pointed out, however, that typically couture-savvy Sandra Bullock did not wear the obligatory uniform well, noting that the star’s garish breast-pocket serial number distracted from her garment’s boxy, shapeless waist.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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