Mangini Urges Browns Players Not To Say Who They're Going To Kill Over Twitter

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Vol 46 Issue 32

Ochocinco, Owens Preparing Touchdown Celebration Opera

CINCINNATI—Bengals wide receivers Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens reportedly stayed late after practice Tuesday to begin writing the libretto and music for, and start preliminary blocking on, a new touchdown-celebration opera.

New Edition Of Bible Specifically Mentions Second Amendment

CHICAGO—A new translation of the Bible released this week directly mentions the Second Amendment on eight occasions, and includes a version of Psalm 23 that begins, "The Lord is my shepherd, and the right of the people to keep and bear arms sha...

Employees Suspect Old Man Came To Roy Rogers To Die

ALLENTOWN, PA—"He came shuffling in really slowly this morning and just sort of slumped over there in the back," said cashier Brianne Pecor, 17, who claimed the old man has ordered nothing in the past two hours but a small cup of coffee. "It's pretty heartbreaking to watch. Guess the poor old guy doesn't have much of an appetite left. He's probably just looking for a calm, quiet corner where he can curl up and pass away."

Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug

A new strain of bacteria that is immune to most antibiotics has been found in patients who underwent surgery in India, and its imminent spread is worrying experts.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

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Mangini Urges Browns Players Not To Say Who They're Going To Kill Over Twitter

CLEVELAND—Coach Eric Mangini issued a stern warning to the Browns Monday, dissuading players from using Twitter or other social networking sites to identify any person or persons they plan to murder. "What you do on your free time is your own business, but you represent this organization and you need to think before saying something stupid that ends up all over the Internet," Mangini was overheard telling his players following their morning workout. "Now, nobody is saying that you can't have Twitter accounts or that you can't kill people, but keep it between you, your family, and the person you are killing. The last thing you want to do is create bulletin-board material for the police." Mangini also asked players to stop repeatedly posting "The Browns suck!" on Facebook.

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