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What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Manifesto Coming Along Fine

LIBBY, MT—Ken Hausch, a Libby-area Luddite separatist and conspiracy theorist, announced Monday that his much-anticipated manifesto, My Lonely Battle Against The Mind-Control Slavery Of The Illuminati And Its Footmen In The CIA, KGB, U.N., Vatican, NASA, IRS, AT&T, Federal Reserve, Disney, The Order Of Skull & Bones, And The Rosicrucians, is "coming along fine" and should be completed by fall of this year.

The workspace of Ken Hausch (inset), who is "really pleased" with how his manifesto is turning out.

"So far, so good," the unemployed, one-time University of Washington physics graduate student said. "Right now, I've got about 14,600 pretty solid pages in the can, with probably fewer than 5,000 to go. Once that's done, it'll just be a matter of double-checking the facts, tightening up the writing and making sure the whole thing's got a nice, cohesive flow."

Though reluctant to reveal details about the manifesto, Hausch said it reveals the "whole and real truth" about a master plan by world governments and multinational corporations to brainwash and enslave all of humanity through the use of top-secret artificial-intelligence and aerospace technology.

"There's some very good stuff in there. Honestly, I'm really pleased with the way it's turning out," Hausch, 39, said. "I'm not saying it's the best manifesto that's ever been written, but I do think I have reason to be proud."

Despite his excitement, Hausch said he has yet to let anyone see the work.

"I know it would be helpful to have someone else read it, just to get a fresh perspective, but I'm really bashful about letting people see stuff I'm working on before it's 100 percent finished," Hausch said. "Plus, I don't want to run the risk of showing it to someone who turns out to be one of the Illuminati's countless servile minions."

Once the manifesto is completed, Hausch said he plans to shop it around to various magazines and newspapers. Among the periodicals he plans to contact are IlluminatiWatch Weekly, The Superpatriot Mimeographed Newsletter and The New York Times.

"I think there will definitely be some interest, hopefully from more than one publication," Hausch said. "Of course, in publishing, it's all about who you know. And while I unfortunately don't have any contacts at The Washington Post, I used to be in the same militia as one of the editors of The Posse Comitatus Bee, so that's a pretty good connection. I'll definitely make sure to send him a galley copy when the time comes."

Hausch said he has already taken steps to ensure the manifesto's safety when it is sent to publishers.

Page 4,379 of Hausch's manifesto.

"Obviously, by sending my manifesto under the auspices of the U.S. Postal Service, I run the very real risk of having it intercepted or tampered with by federal agents," Hausch said. "That's why I've equipped it with a special numerological code involving the second letter of the third word of every sentence. Should someone acquire a manifesto without this code, it is surely a false, government-altered version."

Hausch began writing the manifesto in 1992 and worked intermittently on it until October 1998, when he put it down to focus on constructing a special aluminum-foil-lined helmet that would enable him to think more clearly and better concentrate on his ambitious work.

"Primitive as it may seem, this hat has jammed a lot of the negative electromagnetic frequencies beamed down by the orbiting satellites developed by a joint NASA/ODESSA collaboration from Gestapo blueprints," said Hausch, sporting the handcrafted metallic hat. "It has also helped to weaken the chip implanted in my brain by Trilateral Commission operatives during my college days in the early '80s."

Not surprisingly, the manifesto has required an enormous amount of painstaking research. But Hausch has had the good fortune to have a number of reliable sources at his disposal.

"The voices in my head have been so helpful in the creation of this manifesto," Hausch said. "Their input has been truly invaluable. I mean, that 1,900-year-old Incan priestess tipping me off about crop circles being the work of the West Virginia Mothman? And that German shepherd telling me about Janet Reno's role in CIA ice-pick lobotomies in Somalia and Nicaragua? Believe me, they are all going to be fully credited in the footnotes section."

Academia is eagerly awaiting the publication of Hausch's work, which it cautiously hopes will be the manifesto that successfully synthesizes the world's many disparate conspiracies into a single, unified theory.

"As a scholar of conspiracy theories, I've learned to be wary about their actual definitiveness and credibility," said Edwin C. Tapfel, director of the Foreign Policy Institute at Columbia University. "For example, last year's most hotly anticipated manifesto, The Extensive Role Of The Freemasons, Microsoft, Pol Pot, The World Bank, George Bush, And The Lake Champlain Monster In The Ruby Ridge Massacre, turned out to be a huge disappointment: inconclusive, sloppily researched and utterly uncompelling. Hopefully, Mr. Hausch possesses the clarity of mind and scope of vision to pull off his ambitious undertaking."

Despite the daunting workload, Hausch remains singlemindedly devoted to the task ahead.

"It's crucial that I finish my manifesto before the Y2K shutdown—which was conceived by the Pentagon, Rupert Murdoch and UNESCO—disables my foil hat and switches my brain-chip interface to assassin-drone mode," Hausch said. "But luckily, I'm almost there. Just a few hundred chapters to go."

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