Manifesto Coming Along Fine

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Vol 35 Issue 14

Efforts Of World's 16 Billion Chickens Still Not Adding Up To Much

OMAHA, NE—According to a U.S. Poultry Council report released Monday, the collective efforts of the world's 16 billion chickens have yet to yield any appreciable results. "For thousands of years, chickens worldwide have put a tremendous amount of energy into their various activities, which include flapping, squawking and pecking with a great deal of vigor," the Poultry Council report read. "But it remains unclear what has been accomplished as a result of their unfocused efforts."

Husband Calls For Greater Separation Of Church And Mate

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Citing a disruptive influence on the everyday operation of the Touhy home, Dennis Touhy called Monday for greater separation of New Hope Tabernacle Church and Connie, his mate of 14 years. "It is wholly inappropriate for my wife to become involved in so many church activities at the expense of her role as my mate," Touhy said. "As the first article of our prenuptial agreement clearly states, 'Connie shall not spend every second of her spare time attending choir practices, planning the annual fundraising bazaar and involving herself in other such church activities.' That article has clearly been violated."

Don't Nobody Wanna Hear Area Man Run His Mouth

MACON, GA—According to a recent Gallup Poll, zero percent of Macon residents wanna hear area fool Ricky Baston run his mouth like a all-night bus, and he ain't sayin' nothing anyway. The poll found that don't nobody wanna hear Baston talkin' 'bout, 'I gonna get me a car,' and, 'My old lady been ridin' my ass' and all that. The poll confirms the findings of a recent ABC News/Washington Post phone survey, in which 100 percent of Macon residents described themselves as wanting Baston out they damn face.

Listener Consumed By Spittle On Corner Of Mouth

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—The words of area resident Pete Fargas were lost Saturday on listener Lois Dumas, who was rendered unable to concentrate due to a gob of spittle on the left corner of Fargas' mouth. "He kept talking, and I kept nodding, but I really couldn't focus on anything but the spittle," Dumas said. "I was just hoping he would eventually sense its presence and clear it away with his tongue, but he never did."

Customer Awkwardly Accepts One Cent, Receipt

BERKELEY, CA—Coffeehouse patron Lenny Niyo awkwardly accepted one cent and a receipt Monday after purchasing a $1.99 biscotti. "It made me feel kind of cheap, standing there waiting for six or seven seconds while the receipt printed out and the cashier put away my singles and got the penny, but it would have looked weird if I'd just walked away, too," Niyo said. "It's not like I wanted the receipt. I was sure the biscotti would work out fine." Niyo has reportedly not been this humiliated in a food-service environment since May 1998, when a waiter told him to enjoy his meal and he replied, "You, too."

Destination: Another Level

Baby, you are the one true love of my life. You are the one I dream about both night and day. You are the one who lights the fire of my desire. Also, you have beautiful facial skin.

A Thrilling Climax

Last week, I told you how Standish and I had happened upon my vast fortune in a clearing in the middle of a forest. My joy at finding my precious wealth soon faded, however, when I espied my thieving nemesis, Black Scarlet, cavorting with none other than Mr. Tin, the ro-bot who once served as my nurse.

Breakroom Tension At All-Time High Following Mug Dispute

PHOENIX—Diplomatic measures have failed to ease breakroom tension following Monday's latest mug dispute between Southwest DataTech employees Iris Cole and Steve Mees. "An already tense atmosphere only deteriorated when Iris caught Steve using her mug yet again," an unnamed accounting-department source said. Cole, whose mug features a cartoon bear sleeping next to a sign reading, 'Wake Me When It's Friday!," rejected Mees' excuse that his mug looks similar to hers.
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Manifesto Coming Along Fine

LIBBY, MT—Ken Hausch, a Libby-area Luddite separatist and conspiracy theorist, announced Monday that his much-anticipated manifesto, My Lonely Battle Against The Mind-Control Slavery Of The Illuminati And Its Footmen In The CIA, KGB, U.N., Vatican, NASA, IRS, AT&T, Federal Reserve, Disney, The Order Of Skull & Bones, And The Rosicrucians, is "coming along fine" and should be completed by fall of this year.

The workspace of Ken Hausch (inset), who is "really pleased" with how his manifesto is turning out.

"So far, so good," the unemployed, one-time University of Washington physics graduate student said. "Right now, I've got about 14,600 pretty solid pages in the can, with probably fewer than 5,000 to go. Once that's done, it'll just be a matter of double-checking the facts, tightening up the writing and making sure the whole thing's got a nice, cohesive flow."

Though reluctant to reveal details about the manifesto, Hausch said it reveals the "whole and real truth" about a master plan by world governments and multinational corporations to brainwash and enslave all of humanity through the use of top-secret artificial-intelligence and aerospace technology.

"There's some very good stuff in there. Honestly, I'm really pleased with the way it's turning out," Hausch, 39, said. "I'm not saying it's the best manifesto that's ever been written, but I do think I have reason to be proud."

Despite his excitement, Hausch said he has yet to let anyone see the work.

"I know it would be helpful to have someone else read it, just to get a fresh perspective, but I'm really bashful about letting people see stuff I'm working on before it's 100 percent finished," Hausch said. "Plus, I don't want to run the risk of showing it to someone who turns out to be one of the Illuminati's countless servile minions."

Once the manifesto is completed, Hausch said he plans to shop it around to various magazines and newspapers. Among the periodicals he plans to contact are IlluminatiWatch Weekly, The Superpatriot Mimeographed Newsletter and The New York Times.

"I think there will definitely be some interest, hopefully from more than one publication," Hausch said. "Of course, in publishing, it's all about who you know. And while I unfortunately don't have any contacts at The Washington Post, I used to be in the same militia as one of the editors of The Posse Comitatus Bee, so that's a pretty good connection. I'll definitely make sure to send him a galley copy when the time comes."

Hausch said he has already taken steps to ensure the manifesto's safety when it is sent to publishers.

Page 4,379 of Hausch's manifesto.

"Obviously, by sending my manifesto under the auspices of the U.S. Postal Service, I run the very real risk of having it intercepted or tampered with by federal agents," Hausch said. "That's why I've equipped it with a special numerological code involving the second letter of the third word of every sentence. Should someone acquire a manifesto without this code, it is surely a false, government-altered version."

Hausch began writing the manifesto in 1992 and worked intermittently on it until October 1998, when he put it down to focus on constructing a special aluminum-foil-lined helmet that would enable him to think more clearly and better concentrate on his ambitious work.

"Primitive as it may seem, this hat has jammed a lot of the negative electromagnetic frequencies beamed down by the orbiting satellites developed by a joint NASA/ODESSA collaboration from Gestapo blueprints," said Hausch, sporting the handcrafted metallic hat. "It has also helped to weaken the chip implanted in my brain by Trilateral Commission operatives during my college days in the early '80s."

Not surprisingly, the manifesto has required an enormous amount of painstaking research. But Hausch has had the good fortune to have a number of reliable sources at his disposal.

"The voices in my head have been so helpful in the creation of this manifesto," Hausch said. "Their input has been truly invaluable. I mean, that 1,900-year-old Incan priestess tipping me off about crop circles being the work of the West Virginia Mothman? And that German shepherd telling me about Janet Reno's role in CIA ice-pick lobotomies in Somalia and Nicaragua? Believe me, they are all going to be fully credited in the footnotes section."

Academia is eagerly awaiting the publication of Hausch's work, which it cautiously hopes will be the manifesto that successfully synthesizes the world's many disparate conspiracies into a single, unified theory.

"As a scholar of conspiracy theories, I've learned to be wary about their actual definitiveness and credibility," said Edwin C. Tapfel, director of the Foreign Policy Institute at Columbia University. "For example, last year's most hotly anticipated manifesto, The Extensive Role Of The Freemasons, Microsoft, Pol Pot, The World Bank, George Bush, And The Lake Champlain Monster In The Ruby Ridge Massacre, turned out to be a huge disappointment: inconclusive, sloppily researched and utterly uncompelling. Hopefully, Mr. Hausch possesses the clarity of mind and scope of vision to pull off his ambitious undertaking."

Despite the daunting workload, Hausch remains singlemindedly devoted to the task ahead.

"It's crucial that I finish my manifesto before the Y2K shutdown—which was conceived by the Pentagon, Rupert Murdoch and UNESCO—disables my foil hat and switches my brain-chip interface to assassin-drone mode," Hausch said. "But luckily, I'm almost there. Just a few hundred chapters to go."

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