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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

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Manifesto Coming Along Fine

LIBBY, MT—Ken Hausch, a Libby-area Luddite separatist and conspiracy theorist, announced Monday that his much-anticipated manifesto, My Lonely Battle Against The Mind-Control Slavery Of The Illuminati And Its Footmen In The CIA, KGB, U.N., Vatican, NASA, IRS, AT&T, Federal Reserve, Disney, The Order Of Skull & Bones, And The Rosicrucians, is "coming along fine" and should be completed by fall of this year.

The workspace of Ken Hausch (inset), who is "really pleased" with how his manifesto is turning out.

"So far, so good," the unemployed, one-time University of Washington physics graduate student said. "Right now, I've got about 14,600 pretty solid pages in the can, with probably fewer than 5,000 to go. Once that's done, it'll just be a matter of double-checking the facts, tightening up the writing and making sure the whole thing's got a nice, cohesive flow."

Though reluctant to reveal details about the manifesto, Hausch said it reveals the "whole and real truth" about a master plan by world governments and multinational corporations to brainwash and enslave all of humanity through the use of top-secret artificial-intelligence and aerospace technology.

"There's some very good stuff in there. Honestly, I'm really pleased with the way it's turning out," Hausch, 39, said. "I'm not saying it's the best manifesto that's ever been written, but I do think I have reason to be proud."

Despite his excitement, Hausch said he has yet to let anyone see the work.

"I know it would be helpful to have someone else read it, just to get a fresh perspective, but I'm really bashful about letting people see stuff I'm working on before it's 100 percent finished," Hausch said. "Plus, I don't want to run the risk of showing it to someone who turns out to be one of the Illuminati's countless servile minions."

Once the manifesto is completed, Hausch said he plans to shop it around to various magazines and newspapers. Among the periodicals he plans to contact are IlluminatiWatch Weekly, The Superpatriot Mimeographed Newsletter and The New York Times.

"I think there will definitely be some interest, hopefully from more than one publication," Hausch said. "Of course, in publishing, it's all about who you know. And while I unfortunately don't have any contacts at The Washington Post, I used to be in the same militia as one of the editors of The Posse Comitatus Bee, so that's a pretty good connection. I'll definitely make sure to send him a galley copy when the time comes."

Hausch said he has already taken steps to ensure the manifesto's safety when it is sent to publishers.

Page 4,379 of Hausch's manifesto.

"Obviously, by sending my manifesto under the auspices of the U.S. Postal Service, I run the very real risk of having it intercepted or tampered with by federal agents," Hausch said. "That's why I've equipped it with a special numerological code involving the second letter of the third word of every sentence. Should someone acquire a manifesto without this code, it is surely a false, government-altered version."

Hausch began writing the manifesto in 1992 and worked intermittently on it until October 1998, when he put it down to focus on constructing a special aluminum-foil-lined helmet that would enable him to think more clearly and better concentrate on his ambitious work.

"Primitive as it may seem, this hat has jammed a lot of the negative electromagnetic frequencies beamed down by the orbiting satellites developed by a joint NASA/ODESSA collaboration from Gestapo blueprints," said Hausch, sporting the handcrafted metallic hat. "It has also helped to weaken the chip implanted in my brain by Trilateral Commission operatives during my college days in the early '80s."

Not surprisingly, the manifesto has required an enormous amount of painstaking research. But Hausch has had the good fortune to have a number of reliable sources at his disposal.

"The voices in my head have been so helpful in the creation of this manifesto," Hausch said. "Their input has been truly invaluable. I mean, that 1,900-year-old Incan priestess tipping me off about crop circles being the work of the West Virginia Mothman? And that German shepherd telling me about Janet Reno's role in CIA ice-pick lobotomies in Somalia and Nicaragua? Believe me, they are all going to be fully credited in the footnotes section."

Academia is eagerly awaiting the publication of Hausch's work, which it cautiously hopes will be the manifesto that successfully synthesizes the world's many disparate conspiracies into a single, unified theory.

"As a scholar of conspiracy theories, I've learned to be wary about their actual definitiveness and credibility," said Edwin C. Tapfel, director of the Foreign Policy Institute at Columbia University. "For example, last year's most hotly anticipated manifesto, The Extensive Role Of The Freemasons, Microsoft, Pol Pot, The World Bank, George Bush, And The Lake Champlain Monster In The Ruby Ridge Massacre, turned out to be a huge disappointment: inconclusive, sloppily researched and utterly uncompelling. Hopefully, Mr. Hausch possesses the clarity of mind and scope of vision to pull off his ambitious undertaking."

Despite the daunting workload, Hausch remains singlemindedly devoted to the task ahead.

"It's crucial that I finish my manifesto before the Y2K shutdown—which was conceived by the Pentagon, Rupert Murdoch and UNESCO—disables my foil hat and switches my brain-chip interface to assassin-drone mode," Hausch said. "But luckily, I'm almost there. Just a few hundred chapters to go."

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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