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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having to perpetually remind itself of the good that exists in the world. “God, it seems like every day I have to force myself to look past some new episode of violence or hatred somewhere and convince myself that, deep down, human beings are good—honestly, it’s exhausting,” said U.S. resident Elizabeth O’Connor, echoing the precise sentiments of the whole of the human race, every one of whom sighed aloud today, gritted their teeth, and though disheartened, compelled themselves to once again bring to mind examples of human love and kindness just to make it through another day. “Ultimately, I know that the amount of life-affirming and compassionate qualities in this world far outweigh all the senseless brutality and horror, but frankly I’m just so, so fed up with having to assure myself of that every few hours. It’s taking up way too much of my time.” At press time, sources confirmed that the entirety of humanity had moved on to the equally tiresome process of reminding themselves to be grateful for every moment they have in this life and to cherish their family and loved ones.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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