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Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having to perpetually remind itself of the good that exists in the world. “God, it seems like every day I have to force myself to look past some new episode of violence or hatred somewhere and convince myself that, deep down, human beings are good—honestly, it’s exhausting,” said U.S. resident Elizabeth O’Connor, echoing the precise sentiments of the whole of the human race, every one of whom sighed aloud today, gritted their teeth, and though disheartened, compelled themselves to once again bring to mind examples of human love and kindness just to make it through another day. “Ultimately, I know that the amount of life-affirming and compassionate qualities in this world far outweigh all the senseless brutality and horror, but frankly I’m just so, so fed up with having to assure myself of that every few hours. It’s taking up way too much of my time.” At press time, sources confirmed that the entirety of humanity had moved on to the equally tiresome process of reminding themselves to be grateful for every moment they have in this life and to cherish their family and loved ones.

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