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Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having to perpetually remind itself of the good that exists in the world. “God, it seems like every day I have to force myself to look past some new episode of violence or hatred somewhere and convince myself that, deep down, human beings are good—honestly, it’s exhausting,” said U.S. resident Elizabeth O’Connor, echoing the precise sentiments of the whole of the human race, every one of whom sighed aloud today, gritted their teeth, and though disheartened, compelled themselves to once again bring to mind examples of human love and kindness just to make it through another day. “Ultimately, I know that the amount of life-affirming and compassionate qualities in this world far outweigh all the senseless brutality and horror, but frankly I’m just so, so fed up with having to assure myself of that every few hours. It’s taking up way too much of my time.” At press time, sources confirmed that the entirety of humanity had moved on to the equally tiresome process of reminding themselves to be grateful for every moment they have in this life and to cherish their family and loved ones.

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