Manmohan Singh - The First Sikh Prime Minister Of...Okay, Here's What A Sikh Is

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Manmohan Singh - The First Sikh Prime Minister Of...Okay, Here's What A Sikh Is

Leader of India

As the first Sikh elected to India's highest office, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has helped change the face of…okay, just so we don't get too ahead of ourselves here, we should probably explain what a Sikh is.

So, a Sikh practices Sikhism, which is a monotheistic religion that is based on the teachings of Guru Nanek Dev Ji and was founded in 15th-century Punjab. That probably raises more questions than it answers. Anyway, before we get into all that, we should say right now that Sikhism has nothing to do with Islam. They're completely different faiths. Got it?

Oh, right, just to be clear, Punjab is a geographical region on the border of India and Pakistan, which includes both the Indian state of Punjab and the Pakistani province of Punjab. We might get back to that later, but first let's explain that Guru Nanek Dev Ji's major philosophy was that God is formless but can be found manifest in all religions. It's actually a bit more complicated than that, but for our purposes here, that should suffice.

(Monotheism, by the way, is the belief in one singular God. If you already know what monotheism is, please don't be insulted. We just want to make sure everyone's on the same page here.)

Okay, here we go: In India, 80 percent of the population is Hindu, and, you know what, let's talk about India before we get into any of that. India is the second-most populous country, behind China, and is also the world's largest democracy. Just real fast, democracy is a form of representative government where power is derived from citizens; one could argue that many so-called democracies are actually republics, but that's neither here nor there.

Actually, why don't we slow down for a second and get back to India. India is a country in South Asia, and Asia is the world's most populous continent. A continent is one of seven large landmasses on Earth, which is where we all live and is also the third planet in the solar system. Our solar system is composed of a sun and eight planets, or nine, depending on whom you ask, and is located in the Milky Way galaxy. Galaxies are massive, gravitationally bound systems of stars, gas, and dust that combine to form the universe, which is the totality of everything in existence.

Okay, where were we? Ah, yes, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was important this year.

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