adBlockCheck

Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit

The plastic mannequin at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall must be pretty goddamned in love with himself, sources are confirming.
The plastic mannequin at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall must be pretty goddamned in love with himself, sources are confirming.

EAST GARDEN CITY, NY—Speculating that he probably believes he looks all cool in his hip little outfit, patrons at the Roosevelt Field Shopping Mall told reporters Saturday that the mannequin in the window of Urban Outfitters must think he’s some pretty hot shit.

“Look at him—cocky fuck,” said Michael Burke, 34, of the pretty-boy mannequin posturing in front of everyone like some kind of famous celebrity. “Up there dressed in his brand-new designer jeans, beanie hat, and that cool puffy vest. Who does he think he is?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re all really impressed,” added Burke. “Asshole.”

According to mall sources, the audacious 6-foot, 2-inch-tall plastic dummy, who stood in the display shamelessly flaunting his perfectly chiseled physique with a smug fucking smile on his smooth, beautiful face, was staring off into space barely even noticing passersby, as if he’s somehow better than all of them.

The little prick, eyewitnesses confirmed.

“God, he is just so self-involved,” said Nathan Carlson, 39, noting that the smarmy mannequin was looking all suave with his arm to one side, making a “cool guy” gesture. “He just stands there expecting us all to pay attention to him, pretending like he doesn’t care at all. Jesus, give me a break.”

The show-off mannequin, who sources said acts like he owns the whole fucking mall, reportedly always hangs out with the same stupid little posse of stuck-up mannequin buddies, including the hunky guy with the cardigan and the dickhead in the leather jacket.

“His girlfriend too, that bitch,” said Kevin Lane, 29, noting her gorgeous, milky-white fiberglass body and all-American good looks. “She’s pretty hot, but she’s so shallow—I mean, you’d have to be to go around with that douchebag boyfriend of hers.”

“What does he have that I don’t have?” added Lane.

Grudgingly admitting that the mannequin dressed very well, had excellent skin, and possessed the confidence to pull it all off, observers stated that the mannequin did not deserve his glamorous lifestyle and questioned how the plastic dummy could possibly be so lucky.

Eyewitnesses then confided to reporters that they privately wished they too could muster the mannequin’s calm, effortless poise, if only so they would have the courage go up to him one day and take the narcissistic jerk down a notch.

“He rules this place for now, but if he thinks this is going to last forever, he’s got another thing coming,” said shopper Gerald Franklin, 30, who predicted that one day the egomaniac mannequin would regret acting like such an aloof dickhead. “Sooner or later I’ll put that bastard in his place, and then he’s gonna fall. He’s gonna fall hard.”

“Ah, who the hell am I kidding?” continued Franklin after a brief pause. “Look at me. Look at him. He’s got everything. He’s tall, he’s handsome—I mean, he landed her after all, didn’t he? How am I ever going to compete with that?”

After staring at the mannequin for several more minutes, shoppers reportedly concluded that they could perhaps become more like the mannequin by purchasing some of the clothes he was wearing.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close