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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Manning To Take Some Time Before Deciding Dungy's Future

INDIANAPOLIS—In the wake of the Colt's 28-24 upset loss to the San Diego Chargers last Sunday, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning remains tight-lipped as to whether or not he plans on firing longtime head coach Tony Dungy. "I don't think it would be wise to make a decision on Tony's future with this loss so fresh in my mind," Manning told reporters during his post-game press conference. "I am going to take Monday off and listen to what [general manager] Bill [Polan] and [Colts owner] Jim [Irsay] have to say on Monday night. I should have my final decision before the end of next week." Though Manning remained mum on Dungy's future, he told reporters that he intends to fire both the Colts' offensive and defensive coordinators and will more than likely promote Colts assistant marketing director Henry Jacobs to executive director of digital business.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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