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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Manny Embarks On Journey To Find Legendary Realm Of Batlantis

LOS ANGELES—In his ongoing quest to find the finest and most powerful baseball bat ever crafted, Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez embarked on an epic voyage Tuesday to search for the legendary underwater kingdom of Batlantis.

"I need to get down there under the waves to the bottom of the water to look for Batlantis so I can get the best bat in the world," said Ramirez, addressing reporters from the back of the 30-foot boat he had specially chartered for the journey. "You have to ask the person in charge of Batlantis if you can have the bat. Then they have to give you the bat if they say yes."

"I want that bat, man," Ramirez added.

According to Ramirez, the lost Batlantean civilization is located beneath a massive retractable dome somewhere on the ocean floor, and is only visible to worthy sluggers. Ramirez confirmed that the utopian city was founded by a race of blue-green half-god, half-man, half-MVP creatures in order to develop advanced hitting methods and practice mystical swinging techniques.

The underwater fantasia, Ramirez confirmed, also maintains orchard groves in which they cultivate the hardest wood in the universe.

"Getting to Batlantis will not be easy, because I have to go through the wettest part of the ocean and they keep the bat inside a giant clam that's all locked up," Ramirez said. "But it will be worth it for the bat, man. It make wishes, man. Seriously. You can have as many home runs as you want."

While preparing for the undersea expedition, the Dodgers outfielder purchased a wide variety of equipment including scuba gear, a wet suit, a poncho, an umbrella, 40 pairs of batting gloves, Breathe Right nasal strips, and ziplock bags he planned to use "to hold extra air."

Acknowledging the many dangers that lurk below the sea—especially the poison-toothed eels that guard Batlantis' gates—Ramirez said he was also equipped with a batting helmet and a torpedo.

"I'm bringing my swimming trunks for when the boat swirls around in the giant whirlpool on the way to Batlantis," said Ramirez, adding that he is not packing his baseball mitt because defense is strictly forbidden in Batlantis. "The whirlpool is the key, man. It sucks you in. You find that and you find Batlantis."

"Batlantis is big, man," Ramirez added. "It's underwater."

This will be Ramirez's fourth attempt to locate the elusive realm of Batlantis. Two years ago, a solo expedition was thwarted when Ramirez was unable to find plane tickets to the Bermuda Triangle on Orbitz.com. In 2004, engine failure caused by driving his car into the Pacific Ocean prevented the slugger from discovering the underwater batting kingdom. And Ramirez said he found a portal to Batlantis in 2002 but was unable to squeeze through the grate at the bottom of a swimming pool in his neighbor's backyard.

"The place is so cool I don't know if I'll ever want to leave," said Ramirez, adding that mermaids serve an elixir that increases your muscle mass and on-base percentage, and is untraceable. "They have on-deck circles that are way rounder than ours. And they have gold thrones in the dugout. You pull a lever on the side and your feet go up, man. You get all relaxed."

Ramirez reportedly assembled a Batlantis exploration crew by convincing sluggers David Ortiz, Jim Thome, and Prince Fielder that they could triple their batting averages by missing no more than a month's worth of games. In addition, the slugger regaled the group with fantastic tales of crystalline palaces, breathtaking ballparks, and an extremely large Modell's sporting goods store.

Ramirez also said when they arrived at Batlantis a decadent feast of hot dogs, peanuts, and caramel corn would be held in their honor.

"We are going to do this and we will find Batlantis and take turns sharing the bat," said the 12-time All-Star. "They have a lot of batting cages and the sharks can't get in. They can't chew up your bat or arms or head."

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