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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Manny Ramirez Impresses Triple-A Teammates With Knowledge Of Shapes

ROUND ROCK, TX—In a remarkable demonstration of expertise, Round Rock Express designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly wowed his triple-A teammates Friday with his expansive knowledge of basic geometric shapes. “See, that one is a circle, and it’s made from the roundest stuff in the whole world—billions of super-tiny curves that you can’t see with your eyes, man,” said Ramirez, who also excitedly pointed out a square, diamond, number, glove, and cap shape. “I like all the shapes, but the triangle is the best and my favorite because it has a bunch of sides and super-pointy parts. Triangles are expensive, man. Squares aren’t as fancy, but they are still really good shapes.” At press time, players on the Round Rock Express confirmed that Ramirez had taught them about several new shapes, including the squishircle, correctangle, and stopsignagon.

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