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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Manny Ramirez Impresses Triple-A Teammates With Knowledge Of Shapes

ROUND ROCK, TX—In a remarkable demonstration of expertise, Round Rock Express designated hitter Manny Ramirez reportedly wowed his triple-A teammates Friday with his expansive knowledge of basic geometric shapes. “See, that one is a circle, and it’s made from the roundest stuff in the whole world—billions of super-tiny curves that you can’t see with your eyes, man,” said Ramirez, who also excitedly pointed out a square, diamond, number, glove, and cap shape. “I like all the shapes, but the triangle is the best and my favorite because it has a bunch of sides and super-pointy parts. Triangles are expensive, man. Squares aren’t as fancy, but they are still really good shapes.” At press time, players on the Round Rock Express confirmed that Ramirez had taught them about several new shapes, including the squishircle, correctangle, and stopsignagon.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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