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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Manny Ramirez Trying To Train Birds To Carry His Pop Fly Balls Over Fence

OAKLAND, CA—In an apparent attempt to keep himself relevant this season after a year off and a 50-game suspension to come, Manny Ramirez told reporters at an Oakland A's workout Monday he has been hard at work trying to teach birds how to snatch fly balls he hits and fly them over the fence for home runs. "I had a lot of time to think about how to get more home runs and came up with birds," explained Ramirez, pulling a parakeet out of an Athletics duffel bag filled with various birds and taping a baseball to its feet. "Everybody loves it when I hit the home runs, man. Even the birds, the home run birds. If they see they can help me do it, they will help me." Ramirez threw several birds taped to balls from the outfield toward the fence before giving up and taking the remaining animals into Oakland's tape room to show them footage of how sad he gets when he hits pop flies.

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