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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Manny Ramirez Trying To Train Birds To Carry His Pop Fly Balls Over Fence

OAKLAND, CA—In an apparent attempt to keep himself relevant this season after a year off and a 50-game suspension to come, Manny Ramirez told reporters at an Oakland A's workout Monday he has been hard at work trying to teach birds how to snatch fly balls he hits and fly them over the fence for home runs. "I had a lot of time to think about how to get more home runs and came up with birds," explained Ramirez, pulling a parakeet out of an Athletics duffel bag filled with various birds and taping a baseball to its feet. "Everybody loves it when I hit the home runs, man. Even the birds, the home run birds. If they see they can help me do it, they will help me." Ramirez threw several birds taped to balls from the outfield toward the fence before giving up and taking the remaining animals into Oakland's tape room to show them footage of how sad he gets when he hits pop flies.

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